For what it’s worth

I’m too much of a thinker for this world some days… everything has to have meaning and purpose and if it doesn’t move you in some way, did the moment really matter? Pictures remind me of these questions that I so often ask myself and when I look at them, I find myself going back to those days, wondering if the kids will remember this or that. I remember how hard I tried to make memories with them to remember later on in life, yet many of these memories may remain in the picture. Will they mean anything to them years from now or will they someday shuffle through them with a smile of a distant memory of a childhood where all that mattered to me was that they knew they were loved no matter what.

Today I had the pleasure of going through about 1000 pics that happened to get wet on the basement floor. It was a few hours filled with many emotions. At first tears fell as I saw pics of Eli as a baby… wet and stuck together with pics of Eric and Evan. I saw pics of me as a doting young mom holding them, playing with them and wanting nothing more.

The pictures told a story between the date of the first ones I found ruined to the last. A story or a life well lived…filled with love, happiness and memories galore. There were friends and family, birthday parties, sports, birth pictures, holidays and so much more. A life filled with many moments of smiles to cherish. This was MY life and it was all I had ever hoped for.

Every picture of Eli was before MLD rocked our world so they are the pics that hurt a little more. I cried with the sports pics and cried looking at the pics of him when he was a challenging baby when I didn’t like him too much!! It’s true, there were times that I couldn’t even believe I had a child that was so bad and that cried so much. He was miserable. I always said he seemed like he didn’t want to be here and maybe I was right. It wasn’t until he turned three that it seemed as though he accepted his fate of being stuck here and he finally leg go. He then became the easiest kid…just go with it seemed to be his life motto from here on out.

Pictures allow me to see who I used to be and that is something I can’t even write about at this point. I wish I could go back to those days that I didn’t drown myself and my sorrow with food or drinks or tears. Go back to the days that I didn’t get angry and upset and had more patience, to the days I liked myself more and hated less. I wish I could go back to the girl whose smile in the picture was real and genuine… a natural high found in the joys of mothering and making memories to last even when the pictures fade.

It’s funny, when I go through pics not much comes to my mind but this. I hope my kids know how much they made my dreams come true of being a mom. I hope they know that I tried like hell to give them a good life filled with memories of moments not things.

So even if the pictures fade or get ruined, the memories will remain and for what it’s worth, the greatest gift will also remain. The gift of a life where I was given the honor of walking through your life with every single one of you.

~ by Rebecca on December 30, 2020.

3 Responses to “For what it’s worth”

  1. I hope you were able to salvage at least some of the pics and they dried out okay. Reliving moments through pictures is both good and bad, yet they are our memories. Hoping you can work through them okay.

    • Yes I spent hours drying then and I did salvage a lot! Thank you!! I couldn’t agree more about it being good and bad but nonetheless it was cathartic. Thank you!!

  2. Happy that you were able to salvage many of your pictures. Our memories, especially in pictures is the glue that holds us together. Am praying and will always pray for you and your family and on other whose children were also treated in Italy. Hugs to you Becky, Huck and your beautiful children….

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