The pain of letting go

•October 27, 2019 • Comments Off on The pain of letting go

One day I had to realize that this journey we are on is not about me. It may have taken a long time, but the realization is finally happening and I am praying that healing comes with it.

Sometimes we tend to project our past onto our children… actually our past, present or our future. I imagine we do this because we want the best for our children. We want them to have more than we did, we want them to have it easier than we did and we believe somehow that we can make this happen. When we do that, it should equate to more happiness for all of us. I am slowly learning that this isn’t necessarily true and although history doesn’t ALWAYS repeat itself… sometimes it does and no matter how hard we fight it and wish it wasn’t happening, we have to step back and let it happen. With this acceptance the greatest growth can occur.

Growing up wasn’t easy for me… I never fit in…I went to over ten schools and never felt like I belonged anywhere. I was teased, bullied and hated school just like many kids do. This drove me to want the simplest of things as an adult and as a mother.

Even before I had children I had one or two goals for my life with them. The one most important would be that they would go to the same school their whole life. This was huge for me. I wanted them to know the same kids in their senior year that they did in kindergarten. They did and they still do. I would sometimes smile at this thought and what a wonderful feat this was to accomplish.

I believed this would take away much of the anguish that I went through growing up and if I could do that, a huge parenting goal of mine would be met!

I never realized that they could suffer the same issues no matter how happy and stable that I tried to make their life. I never thought in a million years that they would suffer friendship issues, bullying and being alone. I did everything I could to make this not happen but here history was … repeating itself right in front of my eyes. It didn’t matter how different our lives were growing up because they were suffering the same fate, yet for all different reasons.

I recognized my own suffering from day one growing up and it took a toll…I would have given anything to fit in, so when MLD started changing their life and I saw things happening that reminded me of my own life growing up I prayed things would change… that their life would not be filled with sadness. Being left out of parties…not having that “go to” friend, spending most weekends at home and barely any invites to hang with friends. It has become a very sad existence for me watching their life unfold without the “normalcies” that most kids have.

My pain has taken on a life of its own and it hasn’t been good. Sorrow and grief is a beast and if you let it, it will take over and destroy you. That is what has been happening to me. I know that nothing good will come of this if I keep on the same path that I have been on. I have slowly allowed this pain to move in and take over my life. It is how I wake and how I go to bed. It rules my mind every hour of the day and it is destroying me. It is my own doing and I am the only person that change this.

Friday was a turning point for me. Something happened after school that once again brought me to the depths of sadness and when I walked in after getting Eli off of the bus I started to cry. I realized in that minute that I would die if I kept allowing myself to let this sadness and grief rule my life. I know now how emotions can destroy you and I want to choose differently.

Hut sent me something a few months ago about writing and burning it to let it go. Immediately that came to mind and I went to write my thoughts on paper. It was simple and short but it was powerful to me. I got the fire starter and went to the fire pit. I took those sad and angry feelings and lit them on fire. I watched as they slowly turned into nothing but ashes and smoke. I promised myself that for the rest of the night I wouldn’t be sad or angry and I wouldn’t think about it…I would choose differently and hopefully this would slowly help me start my journey of healing.

When I walked in the door from the bus, Eli wasn’t sad like I was, he wasn’t hurting like I was and he wasn’t affected like I was. It was me … it was MY loss for him… it was MY sadness for him and it was MY anger at the disease and what it has robbed him of. It wasn’t him at all but it was all about me and my sadness for him about what I think should make him happy… what I think he is missing out on. He came in happy and went to play his game. That is when I knew I had to try harder. I would try to not let this grief continue to wreck havoc in every area of my life.

MLD has robbed them of so much it’s true BUT it has given us a gift along the way. It has protected them from their own grief. Eli doesn’t know what friends his age are doing and if he does it barely affects him… he is so happy being with us, watching movies and playing his games. Ella doesn’t realize how she might not fit in, how she doesn’t get invited to parties, how the phone never rings for her to come and play. She doesn’t realize that the people that have bullied her wouldn’t want to be her friend the next day. She simply forgets. She simply can’t see any bad in anyone. It’s a beautiful thing that MLD has given us…given them.

So my pain is not their pain… and once again this isn’t about me. I may be in unbearable pain some days at the things that I can’t fix and the things that I see happening in their world… BUT it’s not about me and they thankfully don’t see what I see. They thankfully are protected by a disease that is also slowly destroying them. It’s a sick and twisted reality.

I pray that I can continue this road of letting MY idea of their wonderful life go and accepting THEIR idea of their wonderful life.

Letting go of the pain, I’m finding is much harder than holding onto it, but they deserve more.

So here’s to the fire… the letting go of the pain and the hope that healing will come in time.

Dream a little dream

•June 26, 2019 • 2 Comments

I had a dream and that dream came true.

I remember as I was growing up that my biggest dream was to become a mom… a mom with children that would never wonder how much they were loved… a mom that would do anything for her children, but as I’m learning through this journey… I might not be that mom who can do EVERYTHING.

The scenery is starting to look familiar and I don’t like what I see. I can’t save them and this is the hardest truth I have ever had to face.

Ella… my one and only daughter and my prayer come true. Seeing the changes in her recently has been something that I never anticipated. The tired and quivering legs after her short bike ride, the shaking arms after helping me make a cake as she tries to hold the hand mixer… the changes are real and they were not there six months ago. My heart is heavy and hurting more than I ever imagined.

I watch her walk down the steps holding onto the railing, feet turning in more noticeably than ever before. I see her little hand tremor with intention and the uncertainty/frustration in her eyes with certain things that should come to her with ease. These things are simply too hard to ignore anymore. I can’t stop what is happening in their body and how MLD is changing their lives… changing OUR lives.

There are days that I wonder how one is supposed to withstand the pain of watching your child lose abilities. Watching them struggle with so many things yet all we can do is watch it unfold.

I cry out to God and all I hear is crickets.

I struggle with understanding… with watching them face the daily challenges that they come across. I have not said “why us” because life didn’t pick us to torture, life just happens. Genetics happen. I will die some day and never understand why these babies have to suffer… why they are being robbed from so much in this lifetime.

I don’t have an answer to the above statement but all I can say is this : It’s a good thing to cherish our days together a little more… to laugh harder and to know how precious life is.

Sharing these kids with the world has had its ups and downs but the love that has transpired because of it will never go away and for that we are so blessed.

ūüíô‚̧ԳŹ Love this oldie but goodie

The desperate search for joy in pain

•January 16, 2019 • 7 Comments

Some days are hard … some moments are even harder.

Recently there have been moments that have changed me, moments that have brought me to my knees in sadness and even more moments that leave me searching daily for the joy amongst the pain.

I have spent too many month now heading into years comparing myself and my grief with other MLD moms. It has not served me well because they are all individual amazing women but I seem to forget we are all on our own journey. I keep my grief in my pocket sometimes because I have a lot of it but it’s not easy to hide some days. I also hear that my child is alive so I should be grateful… well no one has to tell me that. We are all blessed in this family and know it. Being blessed doesn’t automatically take away the pain that comes on a daily basis. I have to remember that this is OUR journey and no one else’s.

I really believed after so many years it would not be so hard … I would have more acceptance, but unfortunately I am brutally honest when I say that’s not how it is panning out. Acceptance is harder than I thought.

Ella is like a 7 year old in a 10 year old body… friendships are hard … more than you can imagine. She doesn’t have that go to that you always hoped for for your daughter … she is immature and just wants to play but it’s mostly not the kind of play kids her age want to do. I feel like she is just too eager and that is hard for girls her age to understand. She is the most loving girl but nothing comes easy for her and this “normalcy” some days can almost be harder than watching her go through GT. There I could protect her from disappointments, protect her from everything outside of our little box. There was no thoughts of sports or friends or what life would be like “after” Now here we are …This is life … a life we fought so hard for yet it will never be what we dreamed of because the disease is still there and it is still slowly changing her. It’s heartbreaking.

I ask God every day to help us and I feel at a loss many days. My faith is shaken to the core but I don’t want to give up on it. The girl I dreamed about (literally), the girl I dreamed of and the baby girl we were so excited for … why must her life be so challenging and why is there not much we can do about it? These are the questions and I ask often.

Eli is a whole other story. We see changes weekly now in him… his legs being the biggest one. I can hardly type this thinking of the phone conversation that I just had with his PT. She called to ask if we had a trip planned soon or visits to CHOP because she is concerned with his one leg/knee just going. He walks at an angle that seems to be impossible to most of us yet somehow he continues. How can we save his legs?! We can’t …. his hips are coming in more which makes his legs worse. Spasticity is becoming much worse and yet here I am sounding so selfish that I just pray that he can keep walking. I wanted to take him to Great Wolf Lodge before he can’t anymore and I am so angry at myself that we have not done it yet. I just keep thinking he will keep going but it’s not going to happen and I’m devastated. I really don’t need to hear “Becky he will be here even if he can’t walk”… I get it … but this is OUR son losing these abilities and you might feel the same. It’s not easy watching your child lose abilities right in front of your eyes.

The house will get railings soon both inside and out …I guess this is just the beginning of the changes that will need to be made. One step at a time to help him feel comfortable in his own home.

All I can really ask for is prayers. I have to believe that God knows the best things for them… from friendships, to their medical issues .So at this point we can only rely on God to send us in the right direction, send us the right people and guide us to make the best decision possible for them.

We will continue to find the joy in this pain because we always have. Some days are just harder than others. Some days it’s right in front of you and others you have to get out your searchlight. For now we will make sure we always have batteries for that searchlight because we don’t ever want to forget how lucky we really are… pain or no pain.

 

Hitting the reset button

•August 15, 2017 • 2 Comments

I have gotten more used to the unpredictability of life… the not knowing what tomorrow will bring and the idea of "trying " to live more in the moment. It's taught me some amazing lessons but it's also revealed some incredible anxieties within.

It's been a long time since diagnosis… almost five years, which seems so long that you almost forget your life "before". Somedays I welcome that forgetfulness because the pain of "before" can smother me like a blanket; making it hard to breathe or think of anything thing else. It's not healthy and thankfully I know that so it's not too often I allow it.

Today I needed to try to hit the reset button…

Life is overwhelming… Eric is leaving soon for college, the kids are struggling more and some days life just seems to be spinning out of control. The lack of control I seem to have lately is not a good thing, so today for one day or even for an hour I tried to let the lack of control go and I woke the kids and made them all go to church with me. Now of course nothing is that easy at 9 am on a Sunday morning when everyone wants to sleep, but my soul needed my church and I needed my lovely happy children with me. As I was determined to make it on time to get the kids in with their age group we pulled up and I was shocked that it seemed we were late. Well I find out that it must have been awhile since I have been there so now there are only two services on Sunday!! Great… so I make my happy kids wait 45 min with me and to pass time we get some munchkins (because breakfast was promised afterward so we don't want to eat too much). Anyway church was awesome … powerful message that we (Eric and I) needed to hear and Eli and Ella had a blast with their peers while Evan volunteered with the young ones. We went on to have our breakfast and I felt blessed.

During breakfast it was hard to not think About MLD and what it has done to these kids. Eli was so happy because the kids in his group played FIFA with him and per Eli "they were so nice mom… they helped me and they went easy on me this time" I think we heard the same sentence 50-100 times during the hour long breakfast. I don't think he said anything else and I could feel his joy with every word. The frustration builds in the other kids as they are tired of the story and they are annoyed at my overwhelming joy every time he tells me. (Picture 50 First Dates ; which I will add is one of Elis favorite movies) It has to be like the first time he told me. He has some major memory loss issues…sometimes I think just short term but when he still can't tell cousins apart I'm not sure. Ella on the other hand seems to have different issues that bring their own set of challenges. She is 9 going on 7… her temper is terrible… she goes from 0-100 in a few seconds. The envy she has of Eli is extremely apparent and also heartbreaking at times. She wants to be like him, she wants to be as challenged as him so maybe I will care more about her (in her words)

How does one balance life when it becomes so unpredictable? I do my best but it will never be enough… so what is there left to do but try to hit the reset button once in a while and just go with it!

Rare Disease Day

•February 28, 2017 • 2 Comments

Today is Rare Disease Day.

I read something today on a blog… it was a question asking what we would like someone to know about our rare disease. I find this a very hard question and almost impossible to answer. What could I want you to know when it’s still impossible for me to know everything I would like? What WOULD I want you to know about the rare disease MLD? It’s simple yet could never be understood…. MLD is life changing and that is the only way to put it.

Ella is getting older and wiser… she knows what’s coming now and it’s not always good. The day of her MRI they decided to give her a mask of laughing gas to put her to sleep then put the pic line in to save her from some extra¬†pain. Although this sounded good, it proved otherwise. Ella fought me the whole way down to MRI and when we got there she continued her fight. As I sat down with her on the gurney while the doctors were waiting she was flailing and kicking me to the point I could barely hold her down. She ripped my earings out of my ears and could not control her fear or anger. I had to place my body across her and look away while they put the mask over her face. As she continued to scream until the gas set in, I layed on her lap sobbing almost uncontrollably. She finally fell asleep and I ran as quickly as I could for fresh air; wishing I could keep running away¬†from it all!¬†I hate you MLD. This is rare disease.

By Thursday last week the kids had two tests remaining … We walked down to the cardiologist and Ella hopped up on the table . She had to take off her shirt to get her exam and as she did I was taken back by her precious little body. The first thing I noticed was a bruise on her spine from her lumbar puncture… then I saw the (lead) sticker marks on her chest from her last EKG and EEG, both hands had bruises on them from the blood-work and¬† gall bladder MRI (where she needed contrast and she had another bruise by her hip from her bone marrow aspiration. Wow! My baby girl … looking like a human pin cushion and the sad thing is this has become so normal and accepted for them/us. This is rare disease.

Eli’s walking is getting worse . Some days it is like watching a train accident occurring in very slow motion. You watch and you know it’s so hard to see what’s happening but you can do NOTHING about it. Imagine that for one second … watching your child lose abilities in slow motion… watching them drag their foot or feet more and more… you can see the marks on their shoe that were never there before as proof that things are not the same but slowly changing. Thankfully the doctors in Italy are trying to figure out if we can do anything for Eli and his legs, ¬†so they suggested a nerve conduction test. Just a few shocks 2-5¬† or as many as he could stand to help us get some answers. The doctors said it would be up to Eli so I pulled him aside to explain to him what they wanted to do. Eli said “ok mom I will do it”. We met the doctors down stairs and as they put the leads on him my heart started beating faster. My precious Eli is allowing them to shock him to see if he has any conduction in his nerves in his foot or leg. I layed across his body and told him exactly what they were doing. A moment later the first shock… he jumped and after a moment the doctor asked him if we could continue… he said yes. They went down his leg a bit and shocked him again. This one was a bit worse but after a brief rest he said they could go on. After the third or fourth shock he was crying very hard so he decided that would be the last one. Fortunately they got the information that they needed and Eli ¬†would soon move on to a Yahtzee game with Mom-mom; seemingly forgetting about what just happened. Me on the other hand; it’s almost impossible to ever forget. This is rare disease.

They don’t have a “normal” life anymore… Boston and Milan aren’t even questioned …their bodies are violated with needles and testing and you can’t save them. You can’t even really explain it to them because YOU don’t even understand. You can’t explain why Eli can’t run anymore or why he can’t shoot the ball like His friends or why he will never play basketball like his brothers. You can’t explain why he can’t ride his bike or button his pants pr why EVERYTHING in life is just so much harder for him!! You can’t explain why Ella doesn’t want to play sports because she is not “good like her friends” or why she can’t roller skate or dance anymore…. why her numbers and letters¬†are backwards. You can’t explain why she gets so frustrated every time her foot trips over the other one and why her hip hurts. You can’t explain why you want them to never ever give up because they don’t even see that as a possibility. They are fighters and they just keep going. All these things can’t be explained to them because they could never understand. I don’t even understand… except for the fact the MLD has slowly robbed them of things that I would give anything to get back… even for a day.

 

This is rare disease.
Life changing ….That is all that really needs to be known. Having a rare disease will change your life.¬†

When you don’t (want to)see what’s right in front of your face¬†

•October 7, 2016 • 2 Comments

Maybe it’s by choice or maybe not… Maybe it’s out of fear or maybe you simply have learned to block things out and only see what you want to see. If one day you see the thing you are most afraid of , then what’s next? To truly open my eyes I have to prepare myself for the reality that might be right in front of me… staring at me… Trying to break me down with every single step.

This week I was playing football with Eli in the backyard and of course he likes to win so that means he has to score… In comes Mom as the steady QB and as Ella quit before we could get the first pass off, Eli was the man! Getting every single handoff or short pass there was. As I Watched him run I felt as though my eyes were being opened for the first time in a while… I could see it all and my heart sank. The yard is not long but Eli would have to run from one end to the other to score and sometimes he would breakaway from me and go the whole length of the yard. On this day he could not make it one time from one end to the other without falling. We kept playing but now each pass or handoff became a check for me to watch every move he was making. Was it his ankles or legs causing this? Was it his muscles becoming weaker or does he just seem to not have that much control over his legs anymore?   I didn’t and still don’t have the answer but I do know that something is different and it’s not what I ever wanted to believe. 

The next day my phone rang at work and it was the nurse…something was wrong with Eli but they couldn’t quite explain it. A teacher saw him having a staring spell then his balance was off and he was stumbling more than ever. This was followed by some confusing statements at recess. Obviously Eli needed to be picked up and checked on. He seemed ok… Maybe a bit slow and his legs were not great but maybe he was just tired. Our minds raced…. What is going on? 

If anyone has been around any of us they hear us tell Eli “Stand up.” It is a statement that repeated maybe 20-30 times a day and it’s a simple reminder for him to straighten his legs as much as he can. I want to scream “Don’t let this disease win!!!” Like he/we/anyone can do anything about it anyway but his legs being bent is something that will continue to make his muscles tighter which will make him bend more…. It is a vicious cycle. The fact is, they hurt…his muscles are tight. He try’s to hard to do everything “right” but It’s not easy and us”willing” this disease to not get any worse is not working. 

So now that I am looking with my eyes wide open, I am questioning everything . One of the biggest things being this “miracle” that we asked for and prayed for. Is it still a miracle if they continue to progress… If Eli can no longer walk will I still believe this is our miracle? Can I get past the anger and sadness of what MLD has already taken and what it might continue to take? And Ella… My precious daughter that I thought we would surely save from this disease… If the disease is progressing in Eli, surely there is a good chance it will in Ella. Her stamina is already worse, her left foot turning in, her hip pain…but I have chosen to believe these things were before GT took over.

Maybe I am a fool… maybe I just can’t bare to see what is really going on or maybe I just wish to continue to believe that MLD will not win against these two! I just know every ankle turn, every hip pain, and every trip and fall makes me question everything…what’s next. 
Everyone says “just live” I get it … I am… We are and they are. I just pray that God gives us the strength to deal with whatever comes next. 

Eli is obsessed with snapchat filters:)

Please pray for his legs… Strength and for us to be doing all we can for him.

Ella running at a fundraiser at school! She did awesome!

The best dog/pillow Ozzy and Eli 

Ella’s 2nd grade school pic

The sacrifice of Thanks 

•March 8, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Two weeks ago I was having a talk with God…trying to figure stuff out that just isn’t meant to be figured out. I was contemplating life, the kids and what I could do for God to let him know that I want to live the plan he has for me. Not my plan but his. Some days this is harder than others but the foundation is the same… My life is not my own.

I picked up my bible ; which was a bit dusty and as I opened it I remembered the question I asked “what sacrifice can I show you that I want you to guide my life?”sure enough the answer was right in front of me… Right on the page I opened …Psalm 50 “the one who offers thanksgiving as a sacrifice glorifies me” I had my answer and I promised myself I would change my thinking to be thankful for as much as I possibly can in my life… Even the bad, sad and things that made me angry I would TRY to be thankful for. 

This has not been easy but the truth is the more you acknowledge and are thankful for the little things, the more things you will notice to be thankful for. Some days I feel so thankful that emotion takes over and I simply can’t believe how many people love these kids. It’s hard to be the recipient of so much goodness and it’s hard to need it. The beauty of it though is simply that… It is a beautiful thing and there will never be an adequate way of expressing how thankful I feel. 

A week and a half ago I was going to my new job at Gymboree which I am so grateful for as I love kids so much and I had about ten minutes till my class started. I got a picture sent to me of the staff of Oaks elementary (Eli and Ella’s school) they had worn their warrior shirts or their Go Shout Love shirts. Now I’m emotional as it is and as the pic came across I lost it. The simplicity of a single picture and what it can mean to someone is just indescribable until you can comprehend the meaning behind it. 

This year is Eli’s last year at Oaks and I could get teary eyed every day I walk into the school. Eli was diagnosed two weeks into first grade and from day one the support and love has been overwhelming from everyone. Really, there are no words just a feeling of  THANKFULLNESS… 

My sacrifice right now is just that… A way to show that I can find somethingto be thankful for even in the midst of sadness and anger… In the middle of terrible anxiety and the face of the unknown. I will be thankful because that is a sacrifice I am choosing to make to show God I want him to guide me. 

When life is so uncertain and you truly live day by day, sometimes it’s hard to find things to get you through. Yet, if you look hard enough at the amazing things that people all around you are doing it makes it all seem worth it. There are some pretty awesome people out there and I am blessed to know a ton. 

When Go Shout Love decided they needed to take a break to regroup, they changed their cover photo for Facebook. Basically with this cover they wanted people to know that #goshoutlove is not a company or an organization it is a MOVEMENT. A movement of shouting love to those who need it… 

Giving thanks and shouting love… What could be more important??

Thank you Oaks for giving us so much to be thankful for and for shouting love for Eli and Ella from day one!! We are so blessed!!!