How quitting alcohol has increased my patience
I’m ready to lose my mind and this is on a good day!
I swear, I thought I had patience my whole life, until I started to recognize my behaviors when I drank. Of course this was exaggerated having two children that need my help for a majority of things.
It’s not easy being needed for so much, and it’s even harder when on the outside your child “looks” so typical. Of course at 15 and 18 you have certain expectations for your kids, but not knowing what they are capable of throws those expectations out the window… to a point.
I still have expectations, but they aren’t what they were, or are for Eric and Evan of course, which poses another set of issues in the house.
Today as I looked into Ella’s room, I could feel my frustration rise to the point that I had to step away. Sometimes that is all I can do before I open my mouth. It gives me time to breath, put myself in her shoes and know that what she does many times comes from a place of wanting to help.
When I went back in, I could see her look at me, knowing, or feeling like she messed up!
Now, before this happened today, her room had nothing on the floor, her desk was cleaned off and her clothes were in her hamper.
Today, thanks to not drinking anymore, I have a different type of clarity and patience. I can see things more for what they are and I am able to dig deeper and choose differently. There is rarely a time that I fly off the handle, and that could be the greatest gift to those in my life.
Before the start of the New Year, while I was working, I had someone come and sit with the kids. I had asked her if she could work with Ella on making sure her room was straightened up in case we went somewhere for New Years. I was hoping we could arrive home to a fresh house and clean rooms. They cleaned and before we left I made sure everything was perfect. This would make for a good way to start the year.
We talked a lot of New Year’s resolutions while in the car and things we all wanted for the new year. I spoke of becoming more minimalistic and keeping things organized and clean.
I assume Ella too wanted to do this, as when we got home she went right to her room. As I was doing laundry, I didn’t peek in on her for a bit, but when I did I wanted to scream. It was almost instantaneous that I saw her eyes well up, as she could see that I was in shock.
She decided to take everything off of her desk, everything out of drawers, and pull out stuffed animals, all to get more organized.
It only took a minute before I could sense that she was just trying to help. Even though everything was already clean and organized, I assume she had a vision and wanted to do her part to start the new year off on the best foot.
As it was almost dinner time, the old me would have probably went to the kitchen to pour a glass of wine. Of course that would have relaxed me a bit and made me feel like this wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t, but I DID dig deep and recognize that she was just trying to help, so I went in and spent the next hour re-organizing together. I put myself in her shoes and thought how I could make the most impact in this situation and it paid off. I don’t think I ever saw her so appreciative and seen for what she was trying to do!
I’m sure this won’t be the last time we go through this, but I do know that my patience in dealing with situations like this is much better than it ever was.
Thankfully I don’t need that anymore, and what made me even more grateful, was when I pulled up my memories on Facebook and saw this memory.
It was a picture that I took on a flight to see my dad. He was dying in Florida and I was going to see him with my brothers. Of course I hated flying so I could never make this trip without a glass or two of wine, and add on my dad was dying, this was just what I needed to relax.
What a great reminder of how far I have come dealing with things without picking up a drink.
Now, I still feel angry, sad and frustrated when challenging things come up, but I have tools to deal with those emotions.
Having patience is not always easy, and neither is choosing not to pick up a drink, but when I see Ella’s response to my compassion and understanding, I know there is nothing greater than her hug along with a thank you for helping her get things back in order!
Fear Not 