Jan 5th – Signs?

I suffer from anxiety and more recently also depression. Not sure if one breeds the other or if it’s situational but does it really matter? I will answer with a no, but either way it’s sucks.

To put it plain and simple, it takes you dark places and while you are there it becomes hard to see through that darkness. It makes it hard to see the things you might notice if your weren’t in your own way. Things like signs!

I have spent days and weeks over my lifetime talking to God, looking for signs. When my Nana died, I thought she would be there when I needed her after she was gone. We were so close and for sure she would let me know that all is right in the world. I would beg, Send me signs!! My dad died a few years later and once again I don’t know what I expected but I was hopeful that I would feel him when I needed him. Maybe a sign here and there. I don’t know what I thought as he WAS dead but I had hope. A sign is something that can go a long way to someone with anxiety.

When you get wrapped up in your own anxiousness it’s hard to see much else. Self focus becomes hyper self focus to someone like me. This year will be different I am telling myself! I will work hard and be grateful, I will not beat myself up or believe my own negative self talk. Most importantly I will TRUST! Well, I will TRY to trust. Let’s just say I will trust more than I have. Trust what? Trust in Goodness!

Today was a good day… lots of goodness and a few signs along the way. Not sure what made today any different except my decision to let go, believe and trust in goodness. It’s funny how that’s when the signs came.

I was checking out in Lowe’s ( woo hoo! Lysol jackpot also) after grabbing a lightbulb for Ella’s lava lamp. It was under 10$, I only had cash (one of the kids had my debit card) which is a rarity so I put the $10 in and out came my coins then the register broke. As I had to wait for someone to come help me I had time to look at the coins and the first thing I noticed was I got a bicentennial quarter. I just smiled. I had about five minutes to reflect on my Nana and what those quarters meant to her, how she collected them and how we always would make a big deal out of getting them while she was alive. It was a joy to get one and to feel like she was sending me a sign that I always seem to be looking for. Thanks Nana

Around dinner I had to go to Wegmams and get some food as I do so often. As I was paying, the girl couldn’t scan something so I had to wait a moment which gave me time to stand there while she figured it out. All of the sudden all I could hear was Cat’s in the Cradle over the intercom by Harry Chapin. Now his was my first concert I had ever been to with my dad. Harry Chapin was his favorite and we would listen from the time we were born till the time he died. Another smile grew across my face at the thought of the good times with my dad, the things I miss and the joy of having these two things happen in one day. I walked out to my car with a smile that would carry me through the evening.

Two of my favorite people who are no longer here and two “signs” in a matter of hours. I’d like to believe they were signs so that’s what I will believe.

I will chose to believe that they see me and see my heart. They know my desire to be more than what I am and to turn my mess into my message. So, tonight I am grateful for signs, for my heart is full.

“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” Anaïs Nin

~ by Becky on January 6, 2021.

2 Responses to “Jan 5th – Signs?”

  1. I too believe in signs and also that they can see and hear us. It’s just what we need sometimes.

  2. i ALSO BELIEVE IN SIGNS. i HAVE MANY SIGNS FROM MY DEAR HUSBAND WHO HAS BEEN GONE FOR 15 YEARS. WE TALKED ABOUT IT BEFORE HE PASSED. i BELIEVE THAT YOUR DAD AND YOUR NANA KNEW HOW MUCH YOU NEEDE THEM AND TO KNOW THEY ARE STILL WITH YOU AND SO THEY SENT YOU SIGNS. LAUGHTER IS ALSO A GREAT BOOSTER, IT CAN CHASE AWAY THE BLUES. KEEP ON KEEPING ON!

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