The silent thief

23 years sounds like a long time. Almost half of my life… and it seems like forever ago but somehow it also seems like yesterday. Many people might not be able to remember what life was like all those years ago but I do. I do because one day I was “normal” and the next day I wasn’t. A silent thief would invade my life like nothing I could ever imagine and would leave me with only remnants of the young lady I used to be.

As a young married woman, life was easy and fun… not too many worries, or thoughts of the future…just enjoying life. All this changed one day when Hut almost died. He was playing basketball and came in to tell me he was stung by a bee and didn’t feel right. I called his dad and because I didn’t feel comfortable, as he was starting to feel weird, we jumped into his truck and started off to the hospital. Now this is when the bridge was out to Phoenixville so I went the back way. I remember passing the police station and him telling me he couldn’t hear anymore then 30 seconds later he was passed out in the front of the truck. I thought he was dead and drove as fast as possible to my dads right around the corner. I pulled in and honked like crazy. My dad and step-mom came out and after I told him what happened he called 911 immediately. I remember it vividly as he was unconscious and I thought he was gone. Within five minutes Trappe ambulance was there and they stuck epinephrine right into his chest to save his life.

We followed the ambulance to the hospital and while I was in the waiting room, they came out and told me that although things were shutting down at first, he looked like he would make it. They released him in the wee hours of the morning and we ended up at my in-laws just in case anything happened and we needed help.

It was about a week later that Hut went back to work and we tried to move on from that day. For me it never happened. I wouldn’t remember what normal ever felt like again after that night.

One night Shortly after the bee sting I was sitting by the window waiting for him to get home from work, worrying about not being in control of what could happen. I remember feeling better after Hut got home but 30 minutes later I ended up feeling like I was dying. Little did I know I was having my first panic attack and I ended up at the hospital shortly thereafter. My life would never be the same.

23 years later – 100’s of questions; some answered but most not, lessons learned, change, growth, loss, cries to God, doubts, fears, gratitude but no matter what always love.

I will continue to live the questions, hoping to get some answers but accepting the fact that no matter what, I will choose to keep forging ahead as best as I can. This thief; this anxiety, fear or depression has taken so much from my life and might never stop taking but I can try accepting, instead of fighting it…for maybe my success in conquering this will only come with my surrender to it.

~ by Becky on July 19, 2020.

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