Fear Not

A blanket of darkness follows me wherever I go, heavy and thick, trying to smother me with every breath I take.

I try to escape, but like quicksand, the more I fight it, the greater the hold it has on me.

The darkness is pressing, following me around every corner

I cry out to the universe, but who hears me? Anyone ?

The tears fall, some silent and some with a weeping sound that I barely recognize as my own.

Will it ever end I ask myself, or am I destined to be stuck in this body, where the mind is relentless at self sabotage

Will they say about me, “thankfully her suffering is over”? Is it that obvious, written all over my face, impossible to hide even from those who dare not look my way.

Maybe they too have the blanket, theirs possibly lighter, taken off with ease when it gets to be too heavy. I can only imagine.

Was I handpicked for this task of me against myself, questioning everything and trusting nothing. Spending countless hours, days and weeks learning how to run from it, eventually learning its impossible to outrun your thoughts.

I close my eyes, and before the slumber comes, somewhere deep inside of me I sense a light. A spark if you may, that still resides inside of me. Dying to ignite into something bigger.

Its there, waiting, wanting and yearning.

Who will win? The darkness that has been with me, planting its roots in firmly so long ago, or will the ember of the spark stay, patiently waiting for me to have enough of the darkness, that I finally choose the light.

~ by Rebecca on November 29, 2023.

Posted in Back to life and living, Diagnosed, Life after diagnosis, living, My journey, the ride of my life
Tags: acceptance, anxiety, caregiver, challenge, dark night of the soul, darkness, day by day, depression, eli and ella, family, Fear, feelings, future, God, grief, growth, healing, inner critic, journey, learning, lessons, life, never give up, one day at a time, poetry, purpose, sadness, smothering, sober, sober living, sobriety, sorrow, special needs, struggle, thoughts