As you lie sleeping

Relaxing, swimming, playing basketball in the pool and just being together, that was the gist of our Fourth of July this year. Waiting for the sun to set to enjoy the fireworks, knowing that it is a gift that we are all home together today. As the games and sun tired you out, along with the long week of emotions, as family gathered to wish you good luck on your new adventure, you took a break and laid down. A few minutes later I peeked over the sofa and you were peacefully sleeping. A tear came to my eyes and the peacefulness took me back in time, as you lie sleeping.

Time flies they say, and we all know it to be true. We do our best to savor the moments that will soon turn into memories. Good memories that were made from good moments. Some memories we don’t like to think about too often, or talk about, but they come from a place that lies deep within all of us, and affects us differently. Then, we have the core memories that seem to be made from the good, the bad, and also the unspoken; the moments that we could never fully express, because they could only be lived.

The funny thing about memories, is sometimes they feel like yesterday, and other times they feel like years ago. Today it was like a flashback to everything. I closed my eyes and in my minds eye, the man who was on the sofa right now, was suddenly the 10 month old drinking a bottle with his Eagles outfit on as we rooted on our Birds. The little boy I strapped to me, as I walked circles in the living room listening to Michael Buble trying to get him to go to sleep. The memories flooded me of endless readings of Goodnight Moon, pausing after each page waiting for him to say what was next. The overwhelming feeling of love that I had watching him learn and grow, under this roof we have remained under for his whole life… PRICELESS!!!

I felt like this flashback lasted forever but I’m sure it was only momentary. Looking at him, feeling sad that he had to grow up quicker than most, missing out on the “typical” teenage years, adjusting to his “new”relationship with Eli and Ella. Being thrust into becoming more resilient, more reliant on himself during the months and years where it should have been different. Somehow I have blamed myself for many of the things that changed in his life after that dreaded diagnosis day, but as my dad used to say “kids don’t come with instructions” and I’m sure as hell positive that parenting four kids, (two who are living with a disease such as MLD) didn’t come with instructions either.

Eric held it all together for years, he did good in school, had nice friends, graduated Spring-Ford making us proud. He continued his education at West Chester where he suffered a great loss of a dear friend, saw all the changes that were happening with Eli and still graduated from college on time! He somehow did it all, and always made us proud.

During Covid, he came home and did college remotely as to help protect Eli and Ella from getting sick. He knew what was best for our family, and didn’t complain. We had some amazing and memorable days, weeks and months together. Moments that have become part of my core memories that I will cherish forever, and I hope they have done the same for him.

I could go on and on about our son Eric, because there are so many things that I am proud of, but I will finish with the type of brother he is to Eli and Ella.

Branded with the title of a special needs sibling, must carry a lot of added weight. Possible Guilt of being healthy, feeling sad for them, maybe envy of all the time and attention they got. I’m sure many moments sucked! The list could go on because none of it has been easy, yet you would never know that with Eric. He has treated Eli and Ella as typically as he has treated Evan over the years. The wresting, video games, and wiffle ball games. The nicknames that we all have. (Eric is the best at picking nick names) Eric has treated them better than I could have ever hoped, and they surely are better people for having him as a brother.

As Eric is leaving Sunday to embark on a new chapter of his life, (Act 2 I will call it) he will be moving 11 hours away, and I can’t help but feel sad. He will be missed more than any of us could imagine at this moment. There is no good time to say farewell, but the joy of being able to watch him spread his wings, brings a smile to my face. Being proud of him for LIVING his life, is an understatement! LIVING is a gift that not everyone receives, and I hope and pray that he lives his life to the fullest. Somehow, I know he will!

The gift of him taking that nap on the sofa, has brought back to me so many memories to be thankful for, and I will draw on them in the upcoming days and weeks without him, thanking God for the gift of Eric!

It was never WHAT he did, but HOW he did it, that makes me the most proud!

“ I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be. “ – Robert Munch