When todays moments bring back memories of yesterday
Sunday morning pancakes were what was on the menu today. I don’t always make breakfast, but it was a day where we had some time before the kids were off to youth group and the others were headed out to golf, so pancakes it was.
Sometimes you have a moment that takes you back to a memory from your past. Today it was pancakes. Only one kind of pancakes will do though, as it’s all I have ever known. Aunt Jemima pancakes. Not the “complete” ones where you just add water, but the ones where you add the egg, oil and milk. Actually growing up it was often the frozen 12 Oz box of pre made Aunt Jemima pancakes. When I was with my dad on the weekend, this was often a staple. He was single for years and this was the breakfast of choice most weekends. A little thawing, shake of the box, and simply pour, cook and eat. They were delicious, or maybe they weren’t but it’s all we knew so it worked!!
It’s been almost 12 years since my dad has been gone, and I often think back to those last weeks with him. We found out he had lung cancer in mid Jan of 2012 and he passed Feb 10 the same year. A few short weeks we had to make memories, say what we needed, and try to heal any hurts that we might have been living with. I truly believed that in this time, we would make amends for anything left out in limbo and end things on a positive if that was possible.
Unfortunately things don’t always turn out like we hope, and this was one of those situations. I remember a lot in those three weeks we had before he passed away, and one in particular, I’m sure will stay with me for a lifetime.
My dad moved to hospice about a week before he passed and it was a great place, filled with his friends coming and going, along with my step-mom who never left his side. They had been married for 27 years then, and had a strong and beautiful relationship. He was lucky to have found her all those years ago.
In the evening of Feb 6th, I was in my dads room and it had been just the two of us. I was talking about life and savoring every minute. He was getting uncomfortable and had asked me to go get him a pillow out of the car, but before I did, I wanted to finish the conversation we were having. We had been talking about how we were all going to move on without him. How would it feel and would he let us know he was with us when he was gone. He really thought we would all be sad for a bit but “you will be ok” (his words) I will never forget the next thing he said when he looked at me, “you know who I am really worried about?” I said “who dad?” He then said my stepsister. I couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth and clearly I was taken back and upset, so I walked out to get the pillow. When I came back in, a friend was now there, so we didn’t talk much, but I asked if I could have a minute of his time. I expressed how much that hurt me, whether right or wrong and he went on to give the reason or excuse that he said it. It was in these moments that I knew I had to get a flight home the next day to surprise Eric for his birthday. You see my dad lived in Florida and I had spent the last three weeks flying back and forth with my brothers and stepsister to spend time together. That night, I called Hut and asked him to book me a flight home in the morning. Not knowing how long he had, but knowing it was time for me to be with my family, he booked the flight. That would be the last time that I saw my dad alive and able to talk with me. I went home in the morning to see Eric, and later that day my dad slipped into a coma for the next two and a half days before passing away. We did thankfully make it back on Feb 9th before he left for his next journey in the wee morning hours of Feb 10th.
I have thought about that a lot over the years, wondering why this would be this way we would end things face to face. Of course when I left, I love yous were said and there was no bad blood, not knowing if I would ever see him again, but damn did it hurt. I think unfortunately that is just part of the price we pay sometimes when we come from a divorced family, but hell, it is what it is.
I find that this moment is also one of the reasons why I choose to work on my marriage, talk to my kids as much as I do, and always let them know just how important they are, because you just never know when it could be too late.
Some memories can haunt you, but they don’t have to. You can revisit them, but i think if it’s a tough memory, it’s only important to do so, when you are trying to use it as a catalyst for change.
My life is full of those moments that have propelled me into growth and change. I believe power and strength has come from those moments that I once thought would break me. Emotional wounds just like physical wounds, can leave their own type of scar tissue, BUT just as scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue, I am stronger as well!!!
Fear Not 