Fear Not

I’m so sorry Ella. 

I wish this wasn’t your story. 

I wish you were skipping in front of me like the little girl I saw when I walked into Target tonight with her mom, but you were at home waiting for me to get back with what you think will be a solution to your ankle pain. As I walked down the aisle to look for something to give you comfort, I held back tears wishing so hard that this was not your story, but it is, and I’m so sorry.

You are amazing though, and when I got back with two ankle braces you thanked me and we put them on. After you walked around for a bit, you told me that you think they work and you thanked me again. So much of our conversations are about your ankles or your different pains that you have, and for that I’m sorry.

I often wonder what your life would look like had MLD not changed the course. Would today have been a day of you playing soccer and getting your picture taken as someone playing on the team instead of being a “coach”? Would you still be dancing like you loved to do when you were four? Would you like school and have a favorite subject instead of being frustrated by everything that you struggle with? I’m so sorry Ella. 

Would I be a better mom, less frustrated or more patient? Unfortunately, I wonder all of these things. Maybe if I was as strong as people think I am, I wouldn’t spend so much time on these unanswerable questions. My head is filled with memories of our past life before MLD, and I’m sorry there aren’t more of them for YOU to remember.

If all my sorry’s could heal the hurts, there would surely be no more pain, no more tears and my soul would feel free!

~ by Rebecca on October 18, 2022.

Posted in Diagnosed, living
Tags: acceptance, caregiver, day by day, eli and ella, Eli and Ellas Prayer Warriors, Eliandellasprayerwarriors, Fear, God, I’m sorry, journey, life, Love, memories, metachromatic leukodystrophy, MLD, never give up, past life, sorrow, special needs