My (2) greatest accomplishments
I have been a mom for 24 years now and for most of those years I have believed that being their mom was my greatest accomplishment. The dream of becoming a mom was something that I envisioned for a long time before they were born. The love that I had to share with a child, my child, that would always be a part of me, was something that no one could take away. I have been blessed.
Life happens, things change… those things then change YOU! After Eli and Ella were diagnosed, I changed. How could I not? The woman who was 39 at the time of diagnosis would soon turn 48 and wonder where that carefree woman was before diagnosis. How did these last few years pass in a blink with me just “existing”, or not FEELING? The only answer I had was ME!
Simply existing had to stop, and next week, on July 4, it will be two and a half years celebrating a different kind of life lived. The cessation of using using alcohol to cope with my feelings, my sorrow and my sadness.
Some people would say that they drank what I drank. A few glasses of wine at night, maybe more on the weekend. It’s a common thing. Have a glass of wine on a lunch date, maybe another while you are making dinner. It’s easy to finish a small bottle in a day. No big deal right? A lot of people do it right? It may have taken me a while to learn and accept, but it’s not about anyone else but ME!
The early morning 3 am rousing from sleep because alcohol refused to let me sleep through the night, the promises to myself that tomorrow would be different… until it wasn’t. The scary thoughts that ran through my head during those middle of the night minutes that eventually turned into hours. The fears that I wouldn’t make it much longer if I kept on this path. The pain that the glass or two of wine helped mask, soon escalated and eventually nothing would stop the inner critic telling me that “I suck” “you will never change” “the pain will never go away” “you deserve this” “it’s not worth it.” I could write a book about these 3 am thoughts! The thoughts would then linger in my head during the day. The intrusiveness was so evident, and life altering that it was hard to stop. It started to become a regular game that I would play with myself. Putting a smile on my face, but underneath I was slowly dying. Wondering how long I could go on like this.
Personally, I never hit a “rock bottom” or had that defining moment to say “What the hell are you doing ?” For me it was never about getting a DUI, drinking in the morning or drinking and driving, because I never did those things. For me it was what alcohol did TO me when no one was looking.
It’s hard to change, but it’s necessary for growth. No one said it would be easy, and I know firsthand that life is not easy. To quit numbing my sorrow was hard. FEELING is hard! So many emotions to deal with, but soon I would grow to be proud of how far I had come and my newfound freedom from alcohol would slowly become my greatest accomplishment. My superpower!
Two and a half years without stuffing my feelings so deep inside like they didn’t exist. Yes, I am proud of me and it’s a great feat, especially in a world where alcohol is a part of everything we do, but I am not here to judge anyone or their journey. I am grateful to have changed, but the pain and sorrow are still there. In fact, maybe more so now they seem to be front and center. There is no hiding it anymore. I fight through many sad moments but, I cherish every day and thank God for his protection and lessons along the way.
Today when I wake up and the inner critics voice is getting softer, I can’t help but acknowledge that not giving up or giving in when you want nothing more than that, is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself and those that love you.
Not numbing with alcohol has changed me! I never imagined getting stronger, but stronger I am, every single day that I choose not to drink.
I know that I am not alone, but most people don’t like to talk about it. I am NOT most people. I have shared since the beginning of this journey and it helps me stay accountable.
As a new part of my journey will be starting soon as Eric moves away to start his own life, I can’t help but think of all the time we have had the last two and a half years. All the nights where we stayed up playing games, laughing, watching tv and just being present. I may have had all these incredible moments with my kids while I was still having my nightly wine, but I may have fallen asleep early, or forgotten what we talked about. I may have chosen to say things that could be hurtful, or I could have continued to choose to drink to not feel. I didn’t!
When I reflect on these months and now years, I am in awe of what I have accomplished. It has been HARD, but it has been so incredibly worth it!
Laying my head down to go to bed looks different these days. I can write or watch tv, I can stay up late and watch a movie or listen to a meditation. Regardless of what I do, I am living in the moment, and know that nothing will take away this feeling of accomplishment!
“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was “ – Sade Andria Zabala
Fear Not 