The pain of letting go
One day I had to realize that this journey we are on is not about me. It may have taken a long time, but the realization is finally happening and I am praying that healing comes with it.
Sometimes we tend to project our past onto our children… actually our past, present or our future. I imagine we do this because we want the best for our children. We want them to have more than we did, we want them to have it easier than we did and we believe somehow that we can make this happen. When we do that, it should equate to more happiness for all of us. I am slowly learning that this isn’t necessarily true and although history doesn’t ALWAYS repeat itself… sometimes it does and no matter how hard we fight it and wish it wasn’t happening, we have to step back and let it happen. With this acceptance the greatest growth can occur.
Growing up wasn’t easy for me… I never fit in…I went to over ten schools and never felt like I belonged anywhere. I was teased, bullied and hated school just like many kids do. This drove me to want the simplest of things as an adult and as a mother.
Even before I had children I had one or two goals for my life with them. The one most important would be that they would go to the same school their whole life. This was huge for me. I wanted them to know the same kids in their senior year that they did in kindergarten. They did and they still do. I would sometimes smile at this thought and what a wonderful feat this was to accomplish.
I believed this would take away much of the anguish that I went through growing up and if I could do that, a huge parenting goal of mine would be met!
I never realized that they could suffer the same issues no matter how happy and stable that I tried to make their life. I never thought in a million years that they would suffer friendship issues, bullying and being alone. I did everything I could to make this not happen but here history was … repeating itself right in front of my eyes. It didn’t matter how different our lives were growing up because they were suffering the same fate, yet for all different reasons.
I recognized my own suffering from day one growing up and it took a toll…I would have given anything to fit in, so when MLD started changing their life and I saw things happening that reminded me of my own life growing up I prayed things would change… that their life would not be filled with sadness. Being left out of parties…not having that “go to” friend, spending most weekends at home and barely any invites to hang with friends. It has become a very sad existence for me watching their life unfold without the “normalcies” that most kids have.
My pain has taken on a life of its own and it hasn’t been good. Sorrow and grief is a beast and if you let it, it will take over and destroy you. That is what has been happening to me. I know that nothing good will come of this if I keep on the same path that I have been on. I have slowly allowed this pain to move in and take over my life. It is how I wake and how I go to bed. It rules my mind every hour of the day and it is destroying me. It is my own doing and I am the only person that change this.
Friday was a turning point for me. Something happened after school that once again brought me to the depths of sadness and when I walked in after getting Eli off of the bus I started to cry. I realized in that minute that I would die if I kept allowing myself to let this sadness and grief rule my life. I know now how emotions can destroy you and I want to choose differently.
Hut sent me something a few months ago about writing and burning it to let it go. Immediately that came to mind and I went to write my thoughts on paper. It was simple and short but it was powerful to me. I got the fire starter and went to the fire pit. I took those sad and angry feelings and lit them on fire. I watched as they slowly turned into nothing but ashes and smoke. I promised myself that for the rest of the night I wouldn’t be sad or angry and I wouldn’t think about it…I would choose differently and hopefully this would slowly help me start my journey of healing.
When I walked in the door from the bus, Eli wasn’t sad like I was, he wasn’t hurting like I was and he wasn’t affected like I was. It was me … it was MY loss for him… it was MY sadness for him and it was MY anger at the disease and what it has robbed him of. It wasn’t him at all but it was all about me and my sadness for him about what I think should make him happy… what I think he is missing out on. He came in happy and went to play his game. That is when I knew I had to try harder. I would try to not let this grief continue to wreck havoc in every area of my life.
MLD has robbed them of so much it’s true BUT it has given us a gift along the way. It has protected them from their own grief. Eli doesn’t know what friends his age are doing and if he does it barely affects him… he is so happy being with us, watching movies and playing his games. Ella doesn’t realize how she might not fit in, how she doesn’t get invited to parties, how the phone never rings for her to come and play. She doesn’t realize that the people that have bullied her wouldn’t want to be her friend the next day. She simply forgets. She simply can’t see any bad in anyone. It’s a beautiful thing that MLD has given us…given them.
So my pain is not their pain… and once again this isn’t about me. I may be in unbearable pain some days at the things that I can’t fix and the things that I see happening in their world… BUT it’s not about me and they thankfully don’t see what I see. They thankfully are protected by a disease that is also slowly destroying them. It’s a sick and twisted reality.
I pray that I can continue this road of letting MY idea of their wonderful life go and accepting THEIR idea of their wonderful life.
Letting go of the pain, I’m finding is much harder than holding onto it, but they deserve more.
So here’s to the fire… the letting go of the pain and the hope that healing will come in time.
Fear Not 