Out of the darkness
Its easy to be the victim when your life feels like it is falling apart, and the longer your life is in disarray, the easier it is to stay where it is comfortable.
I never thought of myself as a victim, I just believed that I always had a reason or a right to be sad, or angry and feel sorry for myself. I have spent years struggling to find my way out of the depths of darkness that have been tethered to me like my shadow.
I have tried medicine and therapy, I have researched brain mapping, microdosing, electric stimulation. I have written endlessly about my pain, I have prayed and read everything I could get my hands on about dealing with anxiety, depression and how to not burn out being a special needs parent. In my worst of days, I have thought about not wanting to be here anymore, because I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life in an emotional prison, with no way out. It hasn’t been pretty; however, I have always believed that something could be on the horizon. I couldn’t quit in case the breakthrough was coming.
I am grateful that in some of my darkest times, something or someone always showed up, making me believe in myself, that I could continue to climb out “just one more time”
No matter what my marriage has been through (its been a lot), Hut has always been a source of strength, helping to remind me of how far I have come and how our kids could not have hand picked a better mother than what they have in me. Every moment I have come to him saying I don’t know how much more I can handle, he would remind me of my track record, dust me off and send me back in to battle. No matter what “our ” life has looked like, he has always supported any and every idea that I had to try and help me change my life.
When I came to him a few months ago, telling him I wanted to go to a meditation retreat, he was all in. The day Eli and I were awarded the grant came as I was battling the quicksand once again, and it truly was an answer to every prayer, cry and beg that I have expressed.
I remember when he asked what I had hoped to get out of the retreat for Eli and me before we left. I saw it in his eyes, he didn’t want my expectations to be too high, for either one of us, however he was very happy and seeing me excited and happy, made him feel even better.
I didn’t know if I could even picture me living another life, a life not in survival, where my thoughts were filled with wishes for a better tomorrow. Thankfully, I don’t have to wish for that life anymore. My life is not what is once was, and I am filled with gratitude every day for not living as a victim anymore.
I never expected that things could turn around as quickly as they did, but as we know, life can turn on a dime for the negative, so why not the positive?!
It’s so beautiful to live a life where I am now waiting for the next good thing to happen instead of hoping for another day to figure a way out of the darkness.
It’s not my place to tell you what to do to help you out, but I can only show you through my actions. It’s said that actions speak louder than words and I will let my actions in life speak, proving there IS a way out… a new way of living.
What would love do? It’s a powerful thing to ask yourself, and an even more powerful way to live. 🫶
Fear Not 