Life as I know it; day by day – Jan 1st
It seems as though we are all still fighting this damn sickness; Cough, sinus issues and a bit wiped out. Nonetheless happy new year and let’s get this year started… hoping only good things ahead!
Breakfast was our normal interesting start to the day with questions to Alexa about movies along with playing Blake Shelton songs. I made crepes and Eli swallowed them with some orange juice which never proves well later in the day. Two hours later Ella told me he threw up so I was off to undress him and get him in the shower. (Ever since chemo he gets terrible reflux with certain things but still wants them once in a while) Eli loves to sit in the shower and just let the water hit him, I imagine like many of us do. I know when I’m in the shower I try to let the water carry away so much that has been weighing me down.
He needs help to get out and get dressed so I always stay nearby for when he’s done. It’s never easy to look at his body when he gets out as there are many emotions. How his legs move him even inches anymore are beyond me. His hips stick out so much and his scoliosis is now becoming more evident. The pain of looking at my precious son whose body should now be that of a maturing man is a challenge. It’s my pain though not his. May I try to never forget that.
I would imagine this year will be much of the same as last year but I MUST try to change how I handle MY own demons and reactions. Drinking and eating to numb can NOT be an option anymore or I won’t make it through.
Maybe writing my pain away will work so I will try that. My hope is to feel more gratitude and joy and that those emotions can live alongside the pain, fear and sorrow. I believe it’s possible as I see so many do it. I want nothing more than that.
Jan 2 – Saturday – Get our shit together
Thankfully we have two more days of no school because that truly can be a shit show for Eli and Ella. The days of sleeping in have been great this past week for everyone! No reminder alarms going off for every class has been heaven!! No more talk about school right now because it gives me agita.
Today was a get this house in order day and boy was it great. The house looks like it did before 4 kids blessed us with their presence (except the laundry room of course) and I hope it stays that way for more than 12 hours. Everything has a home and if we couldn’t find a home it went in the trash. By 4 pm I sat and enjoyed the beauty of an uncluttered and clean house. Christmas is gone and decorations are away… a clean slate lies ahead and I wonder what will be written on it. May I choose to see things different and may I not project. I believe the slate can be filled with more good than bad but that needs to start with me. I better pull up my big girl panties and try a little harder!!
Tonight Eric and Hayley were here, Evan was home from work and hey it’s Covid so we all stayed in and played Monopoly. A fun, intense (as everything seems to be in the house) board game that lasted for a few hours. I will cherish these memories for sure!
Sunday Jan 3
Tomorrow it is back to normalcy … well, the normal that we have known for the last 10 months, so today will be spent relaxing and getting ready for the week.
Eli is playing Madden and Ella is watching a movie. The big kids are still in bed and it is noon as I write this. Dinner is in the croc pot and my anxiety is starting to ramp up. The week ahead, will it be much of the same? I think there is one thing that is for sure and I have said it over and over … only I have the power to change it.
The night is coming to an end and the new year will be in full swing as school and work are back on the calendar tomorrow.
We had dinner together and as we were finishing Eli asked if he could scratch my back… then he asked me how much money he had in his Venmo. Ha ha!! Yup! He’s a great kid but he is smart and knows I like a good back scratch. He proceeded to slide on over and rub my back (with a reminder to venmo him a couple dollars). I wonder where he comes from but I don’t really care because I am just grateful!
Hallmark is on and the kids are getting ready for bed. Eli will be watching the game and Ella will be in her bed as Eric and Evan are doing their thing. The holiday is over and I am ready for what lies ahead!
Thank you God for getting me through this last year as a mom, caregiver, wife, friend and anxiety filled woman.
May I keep going One day at time.
Fear Not 
God bless you Becky. I hope you have a better year also. I love the picture of your 4 precious blessings. Yes, good for you, take one day at a time. Do you still have lots of help? Your a shinning example of what a good Mom is!