Breaking the cycle… The relationship between my mom and I and the acceptance that has finally freed me and allowed me to change things for my own kids.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
If that’s the case I am guilty as charged. Guilty of doing the same thing believing the results will… Hmm…let’s see…. Maybe just one time be different. After many many years I have never been correct in my thinking, so I must be insane! After much contemplation I have finally made the decision to break the cycle…. The cycle of insanity! (At lease the part that I can control)
Mental illness is such a taboo subject yet something that seems to be more and more prevelant every time I turn around. What is mental illness? Is it anxiety? Is it depression? I’m not a doctor so I have no idea but what I do know is it has been a part of my life for what seems like forever! Unfortunately being who I am I have many times believed that I have been responsible for the issues that I later learned were not really my fault. The pain endured over this has been one of the hardest things in my life to deal with. When someone who is the biggest part of your life growing up says things you tend to believe them… You tend to take it in and start to question what is real and what is not. You beat yourself up thinking you are the worst daughter possible, thinking you have somehow failed, questioning everything you do and wondering if it really IS your fault. It took me a long 42 years …really more likely 20 to finally realize I have to STOP and break the cycle before it repeats itself with my kids…. Which undoubtedly it will.
I have been called everything you could imagine, I have been told what a horrible person I am and more recently it has continued all the way down to my kids. Now, it doesn’t seem to matter that two of my kids have a terminal illness or that I am barely hanging on by a string in the journey that I am on. None of it matters, nothing changes and no one can change it…. But ME!
If you are anything like me you might live by guilt… Not wanting to hurt anyone… Making decisions based on what will please others and not you… Let me stop here and say it always catches up to you.
My decisions seemed to catch up to me after diagnosis…. Ah the wonderful things that can come from the terrible. I became strong(er) I became tough (er) and most importantly I became (am becoming) a woman who can not live a certain way just because of guilt.
I think because of my relationship with Jesus I have always had this feeling of maybe I don’t forgive enough or maybe I can just keep going and it will get better… How do you quit on family??
Acceptance does not mean quitting …
Accepting that it may not all be mental illness…. Maybe it’s just being mean…. Maybe it’s narsacisim at its finest… Who knows. When I see the affects on my kids, I realized that they are not little anymore…. They see it all and they see how I respond. For years I responded the wrong way and I am sure it has done some damage. This solely lies on my shoulders.
I have chosen to finally break the cycle… The cycle of believing things will change and making my kids realize whether there is mental illness or not, there is a line that should not be crossed. They deserve more and so do I.
“When everything feels like an uphill battle just think of the view from the top”