Fear Not

It was a crisp fall day about 27 years ago when I unfortunately learned the difference between anxiety and panic! We had been married and in our home about two years, when a wasp (the catalyst) decided to change my life as I knew it (just one of the many times)

Hut had been shooting some hoops outside and I was inside doing the typical things that a new housewife does, when he suddenly walked in to tell me that he had just been stung by a bee. I didn’t think much of it immediately, but soon, when I saw the fear in him, I realized that this was not the typical bee sting. I remember calling his dad to see what he thought as Hut just didn’t feel right. We decided the hospital would be the best place to go knowing that something just felt off. As I gathered up the keys to his Tacoma, I could see things were changing quickly.

The typical route to the hospital would not work today as the bridge had been out getting repaired for the last few months, so I took another route. This was a time before cell phones, and as we headed up black rock road, I knew something was really wrong. He told me that his hearing was going so I stepped on the gas a bit more. Not but a minute or two later, he shared that he was losing his sight. I started to panic, but drove quicker.

At this point I knew we didn’t have much time and the closest place was my dads house, so I proceeded to speed there. As I was racing up 113, he started to lose consciousness, and his body started to fall on me. I was screaming for him to wake up, when I whipped into the driveway.

Now my dad typically was not home on Sundays, especially beautiful days like this, because he would normally be golfing. This was purely a crap shoot!

I screeched to a halt, beeping the horn of the truck incessantly. By now, Hut was sprawled across me in the drivers seat. I didn’t know if he was still alive as I screamed for help. My dad and step mom came running when they heard me, however, all I seemed to hear was buzzing and ringing in my own ears.

My dad got him out of the truck and laid him on the ground. I don’t remember who, but someone called 911 and at that point I escaped. I went to the furthest part of the house. I remember crouching in the corner. I was not prepared for this type of trauma and my body did not know how to handle it.

Thankfully I snapped out of it fairly quick, and ran to where he was in the driveway. He laid there with my dad, stepmom and I surrounding him while my dad was still on the phone with 911. We all waited, but thankfully it wasn’t long before they pulled in the driveway, two men jumping out, rushing over to him. I saw a needle go into him, which I would later find out, was filled with life saving epinephrine and before I knew it we were off to the hospital.

My dad and I got there the same time he did, and we could see them rushing him in to the ER, I could see the room that they temporarily put him in as the curtain was drawn just enough for us to get a glimpse of what they were doing. My heart was racing at the panic I was witnessing in those taking care of him.

He eventually was stabilized and they moved him to a different room in the ER which meant I could no longer see him. The waiting seemed like hours, when the doctor finally came out to talk to us. He was a very kind doctor, with a good bedside manner, explaining to me that he was very lucky to be alive. He shared that his kidney function was not where they wanted it to be yet, however he was stable and sleeping, and we could go back to see him.

I went back, and although it looked like he was put through the ringer, he was rousing, but I don’t remember what he said first. I’m sure it was in true Hut fashion, and he probably cracked a joke as soon as he could. As he would later say, he remembers nothing, and was “just fine”

Thats how it is when something traumatic typically happens. It might be happening to the person, but it is those watching who are temporarily affected the most. They are helpless! They can’t unsee, or un-hear everything that they just witnessed.

We were lucky he was alive and after a night in the hospital he came home. Things may not have changed for him, me, on the other hand, I was suddenly filled with panic. I actually didn’t even know what it was that I felt, but if you know, you know. Dread, impending doom, clenched body, heart racing, intrusive thoughts, adrenaline running through my body. My body was trying to save me, but save me from what? Unfortunately there was nothing that needed to be saved, so the panic continued to ruminate.

My anxiety was now turning into shear panic daily, and I would soon learn how our very own thoughts can physically affect every part of our body.

It would seem that I was no longer in control of what I thought, and my mind was becoming my worst enemy, it wanted to take me down!

It did do just that about a week later, but that is a story for another time.

Today I can tell you that nothing lasts forever, whether good or bad. Anxiety included! Keep forging ahead even when you don’t think you can. It does get better!!

~ by Rebecca on November 9, 2023.

Posted in living, My journey, the ride of my life
Tags: allergic reaction, anxiety, anxious, bee sting, control your thoughts, depression, eli and ella, intrusive thoughts, lessons, life and death, mind power, panic, racing heart, thoughts