Using anxiety as a catalyst for growth
I don’t remember a time that I wasn’t anxious.
When I found this picture tonight it so easily took me back to a time when I didn’t even realize how much fear and anxiety was coursing through me. I just thought I was different but never realized how different, until I grew into a young adult.
I was always a worrier, always afraid and never felt safe. I often wondered where these feelings came from, but just assumed it was the way I was born. Surely God made me different for a reason is what I had hoped. Maybe someday I would understand why.
I was about five in this picture and in kindergarten. My mom, brothers and I lived in Town Line Apartments. My parents had been divorced since I was two so I have no real memory of living with my dad. It was just us.
I went to Stoney Creek elementary school and my mom was dating my kindergarten teacher.
I loved school! I had friends, I could walk to my cousins house after school sometimes and I was happy, but there was a but. My teacher would sometimes throw us up in the air during school. The ceiling was a white drop ceiling, that you could push up if needed to get into the area above it. Our teacher would occasionally pick us up and toss us into the air, sometimes pushing the drop ceiling one way or another. I’m not sure why he would do this, but things were definitely different back then. One day when he was dating my mom, he came over to our house, and although I don’t remember much, I do remember the feeling of fear. Fear that he would come in and toss me up into the air like he did at school. I remember looking at him from the side window of our apartment while my mom was in the shower and me pretending like no one was there to answer the door. I think he knocked for quite some time and I sat there hoping he would just go away. The fear was felt all through my body, wondering what would happen to my head if he threw me up and I hit the ceiling. Would I die, would I need to go to the hospital or maybe he would drop me. Eventually he was gone, and I remember when my mom got out of the shower, me telling her that he didn’t come. Funny how even at five years old you learn to protect yourself and the thoughts you tell yourself, whether they are true or not.
Almost every candle that I have blown out on every birthday cake, selfishly has been met with the same wish, or more like a beg, “please God, I wish for peace in my heart”. Peace, so simple it seemed, but something that has evaded me my whole life.
Looking back, this was just the start of my journey with anxiety. 46 years of fighting my thoughts, the what ifs, and the wondering if I would ever be “normal”
My story is not over, in fact I would like to believe, the part about ME could just be beginning. I will continue to seek peace in my heart. I believe some day it will happen and I will never stop believing. I have also learned that without the many obstacles I have had to overcome, I would not be in a place where healing and learning are two of my favorite things, and not quitting are the things that I have learned to be most proud of.
Fear Not 