Learning along the way… One obstacle at a time

One month ago today I was in a bad place… My anxiety at an all time high and not feeling it would ever get any better. When would this ever get better? WOULD it ever get better? That night my answer to myself was a resounding NO! No amount of begging, pleading and crying to God was going to make any bit of difference. So I decided to do something way out of the box for me… Something I never thought I could do.

The night started like any other… A glass of wine while I was making dinner and then another small one with dinner. I then had to run to Target to grab something for school. While I was there I started having anxiety and I don’t even know what it was about… Maybe just too much on my mind. It’s a hard thing to explain to anyone who has never been there before because some might say “oh just stop thinking like that” or ” just breathe.” God do I wish it was that easy! This night was bad and only getting worse. The thoughts come and they just keep coming until I have completely made myself nuts. So I came home and poured a half a glass of red and hoped it would go away. It didn’t so I just snuggled with Eli praying to fall asleep and it would be over in the morning. That never happened and I was up all night… Fast heartbeat, skipped beats, dizzy, not being able to focus on anything… The list goes on. After hours of bartering with the God that I was slowly losing faith in, I decided that I needed to be the one who made a change and I decided that night that I would not take a drink for a month.

Now as you can imagine this was a huge promise that I made to myself… One that I tried before but always found an excuse to have just one. I love my red wine and I enjoy two glasses a night before going to bed. This became even a bigger habit in Italy… For obvious reasons:) I never realized that it was a habit that was becoming very hard to break. Now luckily I never had too much where it interfered with my kids or my daily duties… I just enjoyed that bit of relaxation at the end of EVERY day!

The day I chose to stop for a month I really didn’t know if I could do it…and it’s funny because a lot had happened this month. One being my bursa sac in my knee popped and put me out of commission for a while with what I could and could not do. I just tried to take it as a sign to slow down and I did! I knew temptation would be there during the month but I hoped I could rally and say no:) I am here today to say I made it … One month today… Four weeks!

Now I wish I could say life has been great and perfect this last month… Or that I have had no anxiety and sad feelings… Well, I can’t!!! Life is life with or without alcohol and MLD is not going anywhere.

What I can say is I go to bed feeling good,I wake up feeling good, I have been more present, less anxious, more determined and most importantly I believe in myself more now than ever. My kids see it, where before they saw me reach for the wine every night… Or they got it for me:)

I look forward to having a glass of wine soon but I know that things will be different now… I learned I don’t NEED it and I learned how good I can feel both physically and emotionally without.

My job is the hardest and best in the world right now…. Being a mom and teaching my kids about life and about what they can do if they want to. I don’t want to screw it up any more than I already have (in the most loving way of course) I need to help raise four Warriors, four fighters and four kids that know they can do anything they put their mind to! What better way to teach them but to show them!!

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~ by my4foures on September 24, 2014.

6 Responses to “Learning along the way… One obstacle at a time”

  1. What a brave post. I love it. I love it most because I, too, have suffered horrible anxiety in the past. I call it the monster. Like you, I became reliant on my wine or my drinks of some sort every night. I decided I needed to take control of it to see how things went. To be honest, when I chose to stop drinking, my anxiety became WORSE. But, then a beautiful thing happened and I began learning that the reason I did drink was BECAUSE of my anxiety, but my mommy guilt would be worse, which would create more anxiety. It was a vicious cycle! So, I decided to continue the no drinking to see if I could battle the monster without it. Four years later, I’m still alcohol free. Aside from church wine at communion Sundays, I have not had a DROP since the fall of 2010! My anxiety is (for the most part) gone! I still struggle occasionally but the beauty of life is so much more clear now than it was with alcohol. Sure, I still miss the occasional social cocktail but I was too afraid I’d slip back into my old habits. I just decided I didn’t need it at all anymore. My husband did the same. We are definitely not the norm though!

    I’m rooting for you either way. I don’t have FB so I love when you post about your life and your children. Way to go, Mama! I’m so happy to see how amazing your kiddos are doing, despite the obstacles you all face. Such beauty! It all starts with a strong woman and that’s YOU!

    • Wow ! I have to say your post made me cry! Thank you Jen for replying and being vulnerable to share your own story. It’s funny I was not going to write about it but I feel it has changed me in many ways and maybe someone else is in the same situation.

      Part of me wants to just make it a lifestyle change for good… As I know how good I feel. People say well did you have a drinking problem…. NO I didn’t but I like myself better when I don’t drink:)

      Thank you again for always sending your positive thoughts and rooting me on!! You rock!!!

      Xoxo

  2. Hugs

  3. Becky, where some people would have rationalized that they have all the reason in the world to drink, you did the opposite. You made a choice that was HARD and stuck with it. Be proud! xo Jess

    • It’s funny Jess I used to think that but it got me nowhere!! I don’t know what I want to get out of this but maybe the clarity will b revealed little by little now that my mind is clear!! Xoxo

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