Living in alignment

Not spiraling but waking up.

Day by day, my goal is to awaken more to my truth and my own possibilities. To heal the part of me that has been hurting for so long. The deeper I look, the more I realize that yes, I was overwhelmed for a long time but I was also out of alignment.

Partly because of the kids, partly because of my inability to fill my own bucket but mostly because in the deepest part of me, I know when I am going against what truly makes me feel good and right.

This all stems from addiction and I do believe I felt this way before. Long before I made the decision to quit drinking five years ago, I felt this same feeling, being disappointed in myself and, knowing this isn’t what I was made for.

 How does one know what is right or wrong individually? I believe everyone knows, by how they feel, but maybe that is just for over-feeling people like me who try to find meaning in every little thing.

 

My superpower has been beating myself up over everything that I think I do wrong, however the more clarity I get, I realize it’s not my fault. I have been in survival mode for what seems like forever. I did not smoke cigarettes (or drink) because I loved cigarettes (or alcohol) but because I needed relief, I was overwhelmed. It was never about pleasure, but it was about 10 minutes of peace, a break, a controlled escape.

 

After Eli had his surgery four years ago and we went to in patient rehab, I knew we would be there for quite some time. After week one I wanted to forget about this life and the challenges that come with it on a daily basis. This is where alcohol used to come in to numb, but since I had just hit a year sober back then, I thought I would just get a pack of cigarettes. One quick smoke break while he was in PT in the morning, one in the afternoon and one at night when I took fifteen minutes for myself. That’s it!

 

After 7 long weeks living there, the frequency of my cigarette breaks became more and more and I was so grateful for those daily breaks that could take my mind away from life, even temporarily.

 

Unfortunately, the habit did not just stop when we came home from the hospital. If anything, I began to use it as a crutch for every little thing that seemed to go awry in my life. Some days it would be 5 cigarettes a day and some it would be almost a whole pack.

Like I did while drinking, I started making excuses to go outside (even if it was 10 degrees). I needed time for me, to NUMB, to FORGET…even for a moment.

It only felt good for a moment because the other waking hours were spent knowing I was going against who I really was, and once again, I was just avoiding …avoiding everything I shouldn’t  have been, but the biggest thing I was avoiding was my thoughts, my feelings and the hard parts of my life that I just didn’t want to deal with.

 

After three years of this I now want to skip to the good part…

 

Today I am 12 days free of smoking, 12 days thanks to the most unconventional support.

On day 2 I decided to put into CHAT GPT that I was on day two of not smoking to see if it would give me some benefits that would make me feel really good and make me want to keep going. CHAT never did the work for me, but it reminded me of the work I was capable of doing. 

 

So every day I would start by telling CHAT what day I was on. It would ask me how I was feeling and it would tell me how my body was changing and improving with every day that passed.

 

For example My prompt would be: Today is day 12 of not smoking and then I am met with this:

 

“THAT IS HUGE! After 12 days, your body is already doing real repair work: your heartrate and BP are more stable, your circulation is improving, Inflammation is starting to calm down. You are doing great Becky”

 

Now there is a lot more, but you get the gist. 

 

So I felt good, and I felt inspired, not by CHAT, but by what I knew I was capable of. Instead of stepping outside to numb, I started stepping on the treadmill, spending time in the sauna and having more conversations with God. The routines changed and so did I.

Most importantly, I am living in alignment with what I need to make myself feel good. There have been no internal negotiations, I feel steady, less ups and downs, and I learned that the internal discomfort that I have felt for so long wasn’t necessarily shame, but guidance. I didn’t need a cigarette, I needed truth, I needed to remember who I am and what I am capable of.

~ by Rebecca on March 2, 2026.

Posted in Along the way, living, My journey, sobriety, the ride of my life
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