Traded not healed

I’m not sure how I got here as I look back, and I don’t even know where to start to figure out how.

I think like most things in life, it happens subtly. Yes there are some life changing ah ha moments where you can trace back to look for answers of how you got where you are but many times it’s much more subtle.

Right now I seem to be fighting addiction again and even though I quit drinking five years ago, I feel like one addiction was traded for another.

Maybe I always had an addictive personality, I’m sure this is true, but it never affected me as much as it is now. I’m older and much more aware of my choices now and also the consequences. Eating bad, smoking , and of course enjoying the casino.

Many of these things are just what alcohol was… a deterant. A deterant from me dealing with my life, my thoughts and my decisions, but mostly my thoughts.

Alcohol was taking me down the wrong path and although I wasn’t what people would call the “typical” alcoholic, I knew that if I kept drinking it would not end well. So I quit and never looked back.

As time went on I felt good and stayed focused on not drinking. Then hard times crept in, Eli had an upcoming surgery (11 operations in one day to be exact) and I was feeling the need to once again numb my pain. Not with alcohol but with cigarettes. I didn’t buy my first pack until we moved back into the hospital for inpatient therapy, as we were going to be there seven weeks or so. My nerves were shot and I never knew if he would walk again which weighed on me daily.

I decided to buy a pack of cigarettes as a crutch to get me through the weeks in the hospital, which was four years ago and now I find myself struggling to let go of another addiction.

What is it? I figured it probably just my brain, but there is some science behind it.

Addiction is not a personal weakness or a lack of willpower. Addiction can be a chronic disease which affects your brain by affecting the reward system in your brain, (dopamine if you will) which then leads to compulsive substance use despite negative consequences. 

So unfortunately maybe it’s just who I am. Destined to go from one thing to another. I hope and pray I’m wrong and one day I figure out before it’s too late. I remember a time where my mind was focused on what it should be, solely raising my kids, savoring every minute with them and not worried about numbing my pain, and sorrow. Now it’s just about finding ANYTHING to take my mind away from this challenging life I’m living

I know I’m not alone, even when it feels like I’m stranded on an island with my own thoughts. Maybe the goal isn’t to get back to who I used to be. Maybe it’s to finally heal the parts of me that have been trading one crutch for another.

I don’t want to just quit things anymore. I want to understand them. I want to understand me. And maybe that’s where healing actually begins.

~ by Rebecca on February 11, 2026.

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