Escaping with alcohol
I often wonder how I started drinking more than I would have ever thought I would. Was it my anxiety? I have had anxiety since I came out of my mothers womb it seems. Maybe I was destined to be this anxious child. I know my mom had been anxious most of her life and my dad as well, he just hid it with his alcoholism. His functioning alcoholism. Was I destined to have a drinking problem, or just an addictive personality? Does it matter? Maybe, maybe not.
I have never fit in with adults, I didn’t feel like I had much to talk about with people, and I seemed to fit in better with the kids than adults. All I ever wanted to do was be a mom for as long as I could remember and I didn’t think about much else.
After my two youngest kids, Eli and Ella were diagnosed with a terminal illness, it seemed natural that when people stopped to visit, they would bring a bottle of wine. Everyone knew that I loved my red wine, it was my go to. Hut even started making homemade red wine. The truth serum of the neighborhood we would call it. Everyone loved it! That was before the kids were diagnosed, and to be honest, I was more of a beer drinker back then anyway. I never drank much until after they were diagnosed.
Pain… it makes you do thinks you never thought or imagined. It changes you, and it changed me. I wanted to escape and not feel anymore… even if it was temporary it was worth it.
How would I survive what the future held? I wasn’t strong. I felt weak. I cried a lot and isn’t that a sign of weakness?
These are the things that I used to think. It’s still hard to revisit the early days after diagnosis. So many things that I believed about my future as a mom were suddenly crushed and I felt like I was being punished. I surely deserved this, I must have done some really bad things that God allowed this in my life. A glass of wine before, during and after dinner gave me the liquid courage to believe that everything was going to be ok. I just couldn’t feel it all, and the wine helped me accomplish that…until it didn’t.
To be continued…
Fear Not 