Fear Not

I remember the early days of contemplating sobriety and what brought me there. The late night google searches on the best ways to quit, wondering if other people drank like I did, questioning if I actually had a problem or if it was all in my head. Maybe you feel the same, wondering if alcohol is not serving you anymore. If so, you are not alone.

The reason of why I started relying more on alcohol to numb my pain are not as important right now as how I finally decided to stop and continue to choose sobriety for almost three years now.

I remember searching for a year of different ways that could help me stop or slow how much I was drinking . Most of what I found was related to AA and in my head I didn’t believe that I needed AA. I was not THAT person, I didn’t drive drunk, or start before 5. I never forgot what I did the night before, or got into arguments with people due to my drinking. Maybe I didn’t have a problem. However, that 3 am wake up call to pee, or waking up from being too hot would happen more often than I’d like to admit, and I was always drawn back to the idea that maybe alcohol was not the best thing for me. It simply was not serving me anymore, and my anxiety seemed to be worse, even though after the first drink it always seemed to be better.

One year no beer, was a website I had come across on more than one occasion when I contemplated quitting. It was a service that you would pay for and they would “help” you quit, through letters and motivation. I’m sure there was more to it but I was not ready to pay almost $1000 to help me with a problem that I was not even sure that I had.

I remember scoffing at the idea of AA when my therapist mentioned it to me. There had to be another way, and, if, and when I needed it, I would find the way.

When I decided to make the decision to stop, it was pretty abrupt and as many times as I had thought “after the holiday” or “after this birthday celebration” those days never came, and they never would. There will always be another birthday, or celebration, wedding or funeral where you want to toast someone. Waiting till you have nothing on the calendar, will never come, I can promise you that.

AA it was, zoom AA that is. I wanted this more than I wanted anything at the moment, and when you reach a point in your life like that, you will do anything to make it happen.

I cried, and cried, I was so disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t stop that nightly wine. My inner critic told me everything bad you could possibly imagine about myself, but somehow I knew that deep down inside, I wasn’t all those things that I told myself I was.

My story is long, it’s sad and it is beautiful, and for those that feel the same way, I am here to help you and make you believe in yourself again.

Part of me will always believe that I have a reason to drink, a reason to numb my pain, the pain that comes with having two special needs kids amongst a million other things. Life is hard, but you have it in you to do hard things. We all do, we are just so used to that little voice that continuously tells us how undeserving we are. that voice that tells us we can never succeed, that we can start tomorrow.

The tomorrow that I finally chose to start working on me, was the hardest, and most rewarding day of my life.

So much more to my story and there is to yours as well.

Alcohol does a number to you and just as an example, I will share a before and after picture below.

YOU are not alone and you can reach out anytime.

To be continued…

One month before I quit. Red checks, puffy face, all the time.

Almost three years sober. No redness anymore and puffiness is completely gone!

~ by Rebecca on November 5, 2023.

Posted in Back to life and living, sobriety
Tags: AA, alcohol, one day at a time, quit drinking, recovery, sober, sobriety