Fear Not

These words can affect you greatly if you allow them. What would you do today if you knew there was no tomorrow? Would you change nothing… or maybe everything. Maybe you would wish for second chances to say things or do things that you didn’t do because you THOUGHT you had time.

Yesterday was a day of reflection for me and what has transpired in the last almost 40 days. Reflecting on the fact that as long as you wake up, you have another chance to choose differently, to be who you really want to be and you have another opportunity to LOVE.

Yesterday I woke feeling blessed to be here to see ERIC turn 21. I woke reminiscing about the last 21 years and all the joy that he has brought to our life. The gift of becoming a mother, the lessons learned and of course I also reflected on the things I wish I could have done differently. Through all of these thoughts the one thing I never questioned is “will he know how much I loved him?” I don’t think that will ever be a question that he will ever ask because I always laid it all out on the carpet with them. The good, bad and ugly were all present but those moments were also filled with love and gratitude at the gift of being their mom. There was never a moment I wished I had loved harder.

I imagined Eric might be a bit hungover when he woke up…I had hoped his friends kept him safe and were smart …thankfully they were. I wanted to see him, to hug him and tell him thank you for making me a mom and although I knew we would be seeing him for dinner, I also had plans for the morning. I had taken some time off of work so I texted Hailey to see what he would want to cure his hangover if he had one 😉 I went and got him Primo, Wawa ice water and red Gatorade and I did it all with a grateful heart. I pulled up to his house in West Chester and saw him long enough to pass off the goods, give him a kiss and then I was on my way home. What a gift to be able to see my son turn 21.

I want to say that I don’t think about not knowing if Eli and Ella will be around to celebrate turning 21 but that would be a lie… of course I do. I do and it’s a scary though but it also has been a teacher …it teaches me to love hard now… be present now … and enjoy NOW!

When we got home from dinner with ERIC we searched for a movie to watch and while there aren’t many comedies that we have not seen, we came across an Eddie Murphy movie that we had never even heard of. 1000 Words was the movie and it was NOT a typical Eddie Murphy movie. It was labeled a drama/comedy but it was filled with lessons that could teach us all a thing or two. It was deep and thought provoking about the words that come from our mouth and the effect they can have. The wasted moments where we don’t think but speak, the raw emotions of anger and seemingly unforgivable events that have transpired in our life but most importantly the words that we don’t take much time to think about before we allow them to come out of our mouth. If tomorrow never comes would we be ok with how we used our time and words today… if tomorrow never comes would they know how much we loved them? If the answer is no and you woke up today, then you have the opportunity to change this.

These question are just two of the reasons why I have not had a drink in 5 weeks. The way I see this life now after witnessing the fragility of life… watching friends say goodbye to their child they will never see on this earth again… it is simply unfathomable… it changes you. FOR ME, I want to use my time better, I want to use my words more carefully, I want to be fully present and I want to love as deeply as this life allows. That includes embracing the rock bottom places that I have been; for the time spent there/here has taught me more lessons than I could have ever learned on the mountaintop!

Happy 21st Birthday Eric! Thank you for making my dream of being a mom come true!!!

~ by Rebecca on February 8, 2020.

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