Fear Not

I remember when I was younger and I would be visiting my Nana and Poppop…as it was time to go I would often say “ok, so I will see you at this or that” and my Nana would reply “Lord Willing”. Now as a young adult I would just smile and feel how cool it was that they really thought that way. They never seemed to plan much but would always believe if it was in their plan then they would be there. I never really appreciated the truth to their words until I got older and realized that there are no givens in life. Planning is great yet sometimes the plan will take a different form than the one you had in your mind.

Today I learned that my mom will not be going to Milan with me. It was sad to hear this yet I know it is for good reasons so I have to just go with the flow. My mom needs surgery ASAP to fix an obstructive hernia (post whipple). All the planning she did for the last two months to prepare is now unnecessary. The lists for the lists and the phone calls to make sure she has the right things for Milan mean nothing now. There is another plan…not the one we thought but if we can believe there is a BIG plan then there is something else at work. Thankfully I have the best Mother-In-law who is ready to go…no questions asked.
Ultimately everything that happens in life has a plan surrounding it and I know at the moment it is hard to see but somehow, some way we eventually can look back and see it unfold.

As I started 8th grade it was also the start of school number 8. I remember the fear and anxiety that came with it and the idea of meeting new friends again seemed a daunting task. I think at this point in my life I was my own worst enemy. Only now can I have compassion for that young girl who beat herself up daily not thinking she was good enough to make new friends or not believing she was worthy. It is amazing how I never thought I could get through those tough times and yet somehow I did. Thank God I did not believe the things I told myself and just kept going. There had to be a reason and a plan for me.

When I felt the pain in my chest and my heart racing like I just ran a race I knew something was wrong…after a trip to the ER I learned I had a panic attack. NOT FUN and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. After spending the next 6 months trying to figure out how to get through this nightmare (without drugs) I finally figured it out. I once again was torturing myself. I had beat myself up and told myself I could never get through this and that I was so messed up (putting it kindly) . All negative self-talk…and to anyone who has had anxiety they know EXACTLY what I am talking about. I did not want to go through this…it was not fair and I did not know how I would ever come out of it. 18 months later Eric was born and my SLOW journey to believing something good would come out of this started to unfold.

Almost 15 years since Eric was born and probably 7 since conquering my anxiety on my own…problems come and go lessons are learned and self-acceptance is becoming more a part of my life. The older I get the more I see that all of my life is un-plan able. Flash back to Jan of 2012…finding out my dad had lung cancer and losing him a month later. Just as I am dealing with losing my dad, the biggest blow of my life is right around the corner…Sept 2012 Eli was diagnosed and we were told he will not live long. I vividly remember thinking “there is no way I am going to get through this” This is every parent’s worst nightmare …and me “I’m not strong “ I would tell myself. “There is no way I can do this… I’ll just quit” “Yeah right. How could there possibly be a plan in all of this”

All I can say today… a year and almost four months into this journey… is I truly believe that there IS a reason and a plan for all of this. For everything good that has come from this and everything that is not so good coming from this situation… there is something in the works that we just might not see today. We might not realize it until much later on but I believe the good things will far outweigh the bad and continue longer than I realize. The only reason I believe this is because I know God has a plan for me.

I have been given a gift of raising four awesome kids. It may not be the plan that I had thought of when I was a young mom but I am going to try to learn not to question it. It is a true blessing to not be so set on what I thought my life should be like but to be open to what might lie ahead.

~ by Rebecca on January 8, 2014.

Posted in Diagnosed