Fear Not

As we move through life I know that so many of us just want to fit in. Whether we admit it or not everyone wants to be liked and too many of us care what others think about everything in our lives. I see it all the time…our clothes, car, house…actually there is no limit to what we feel about wanting to fit in. I remember when I decided to have kids, I just wanted them to be in a stable place & I wanted them to NOT worry about all the things I worried about growing up. As long as they were in the same school they would be happy, have great friends, enjoy their life & hopefully feel like they belong.

Imagine 7th grade…first girl boy party, first boyfriend & first kiss…it was a great night. It was the first time I was at a school for a second year in a row. I had met some great friends and was looking forward to a fun year. Halloween night I was picked up from this party I was speaking of and I was actually excited for school to recap the fun night. Little did I know that after that party I would never see those kids again. I moved that night unexpectedly into my dads and in that instant so many things changed. Just when I believed I could finally belong it was stripped right from under my feet. Time to start all over…not only was I without my mom but I was in yet another school. “I swear I will never have my kids go through this” I remember thinking this as I was growing up even though I never really got upset. You see I was a people pleaser… never wanted anyone to be mad at me; especially my Mom or Dad, so I just pushed any sadness I had way down deep.

As I look at my kids today, I hope I can teach them that it does not really matter how well you fit in. Yes it seems so important in 5th or 7th grade…maybe even 11th, but eventually they will learn that we make our own future and who we feel we belong with when we are young may not mean anything as we get older. All the things I thought were so important aren’t quite as much as they seem.  I do have to admit when I see the same kids walk through this door that walked through  5 and ten years ago it always puts a smile on my face. The bonds that we can make when we are little and as we grow can be with us forever if we are lucky. I see that with Hut…his core group of friends are the same friends from years ago and I have always been envious of that.

At 40 years old I never thought that it would be now that I would feel that sense of belonging or fitting in…maybe just being a part of a community. The blessings that have come from this disease cannot be overlooked. I share with you what I feel they are as they come up but one of the biggest has to be feeling like I am part of a community and that they are rallying around us every turn we take. What God allowed to be taken from me as a child he has put into my life ten fold as a 40-year-old woman through this terrible disease. The gratefulness  that I feel is such a blessing when I get an email, txt or Facebook message …or maybe I see someone out who tells me they are praying for my babies…Wow how awesome!! The amazing fundraisers done by people who don’t even know us, by people who do know us, by schools, preschools, family & friends have blown my mind every day and there are simply no words to express how grateful I am as a mom. This is where I give more credit to God because although we have been dealt this very frightening blow he has opened so many doors for new relationships, new lessons to learn and most importantly he has shown so many where we need to be…let’s get right with God. Get on our knees again…believe again…have faith in something bigger than ourselves. Even if Eli & Ella are not healed that does not mean that he is not a loving God. He has a plan and I have faith that this plan is bigger than I could have ever imagined!!

So what does fitting in mean… well I always wanted more for my kids than I had and I think we all feel that way but I am proof that even if you don’t feel like you fit in when you are young , even when you feel alone and wonder how and when you will make friends, just be patient because it may be later than you ever thought and it also might be better than you ever believed. MLD sucks so bad but I am so grateful for all of the awesome things that have come from this already and I hope to truly change the world through our experience!

~ by Rebecca on December 5, 2012.

Posted in Diagnosed