From weakness comes strength

As I sit here I wish I could stop time…

The last 4-8 weeks my life has been pretty normal…sports, school, arguing and no doctors. There have been no major decisions that I have had to make and I have tried to enjoy every minute of it. As the next two days are right in front of me I sit here and the fear starts to creep in. I mean the serious fear that leaves you unable to control yourself at times…where the tears flow and you don’t know how to stop them. Sometimes I don’t want to stop crying as it is the only time I feel like I am free. When you cry you are free from fear because you are letting it out and it goes away…even for a moment.

People tell me I am strong… I don’t believe that… I am weak and only through God’s grace am I strong enough to get through this. The last few days I have cried more times than I care to remember. Not over one particular thing but EVERYTHING. There are too many questions but I wonder why someone who has already learned so many lessons in life has to learn more. I have learned to forgive (over & over), love, trust and I have even learned to have faith…what more could I have to learn?? Here is someone who knows so much about alternative therapies and I have so much information about so many diseases yet my kids are faced with a disease where there is no real alternative treatments to even help?? I just don’t get it…

I am weak… I do not want to be here at times… I wish God would let me not wake up…that is my reality and you would feel the same way. I may be weak but I am NOT selfish and I would not hurt my kids any more than they are hurting now or will be hurting in the future.

I know why I had an amazing spiritual experience when I was 4… it was all for this moment… or it was all for this life that has been so challenging for me. I know that God is here and I know that he is in total control. This does not mean that I don’t shake my fist and wonder why …NO… I sit here tonight totally helpless, not able to even contemplate what the future holds, what the plan is…that is why I want time to stop but it can’t and it won’t. I have let go…I am not in control and have to learn to accept that.

Just like so many of the Psalms of the Bible we hear crying out to God “why have you Forsaken me” Yet… how do they end? They end with hope…Hope that there is something greater…that there is a God who will never leave us or forsake us.

~ by my4foures on November 29, 2012.

10 Responses to “From weakness comes strength”

  1. Good Morning:
    I first heard of your story on Facebook and then I learned even more because my daughter’s dance school will be performing at the the Wonderland of Wishes! I am so happy that we will be apart of that day.

    I know that there are no words that I can say (or type) to help heal your heart or your children. But what I can do is pray! I can pray for healing, comfort and peace. I am a believer and I know that miracles can happen everyday.

    Your family is beautiful and I’m enjoying getting to know them through your words. God has a plan and sometimes it’s hard to sit back and be patient for him to unfold those plans before us, but take hold that He is in control and He loves you and hears your prayers.

    Blessings,
    Sherry Crist

    • Thank you for following our story & for your kind words. I know there is truly nothing to do but pray so thank you for that. I need prayers for accaptance of whatever that may be.

      You are correct that God has a plan and although it is hard to see what that is sometimes that is where faith comes in.

      Thank you so much Sherry
      Xoxo

  2. I sit here and just cry…although I don’t know you I ache for your pain and wish it would all go away for you.For many of us its so easy for us to say to you “stay strong “but its your reality,your life you are living,right now! everyone is soo touched by Eli and Ella and are praying for a miracle from God! I want you to know my family’s thoughts and prayers are with you and yours! Your strength through your hard time…gives me the courage to get through a hard time that I endure! I know there is hope even when you want to blame and hate everythIng negative in your life!!! light the way God ,for this family!!!

    • Michelle, it’s amazing how you can feel someone else’s pain… I know because I am like you and have been that way my whole life.

      Thank you for praying for our family & for your kind words. It means so much during such a difficult time!

      Xoxo
      Becky

  3. My heart aches for you and your family. I can not even imagine what you are going through. I admire your strength and faith. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. GOD is definitely using you for some very special things. I know at times you may not feel it but you are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your journey. May GOD bless you are your family and give you the strength and guidance you need for your journey.

    oxoxox
    Sue ❤

    • Sue Thank you so muc for your kind words!! I do believing he is using me it is just hard when when don’t know the reasons for things but I wil continue to have faith!! Thank you! Xoxo

  4. The key to faith is that you give your fear, your frustration, your tears, your helplessness, your selfishness, your anguish… you give all of it to God with the understanding that he is there to take it from you and hold you through it all. Any and every good thing we ever receive is His gift to us and since all we have to offer in return … is our humanity and the faults inherent in that very humanity. He treasures the gift of our hearts more than he does all the sparkly jewels ever found. We give Him our all and from that He returns to us His Grace. Continue to take it all to Him and pour out your heart and He will continue to lift you up!. A promise he has always kept…. and always will. A favorite line of mine from a song says “He cannot love you more and He will not love you less !!”. God Bless you.
    Stephanie

  5. Becky, I weep for you daily. I weep for your beautiful family and for those two beautiful angels. God truly has his arms around all of you. And he does have a plan, maybe not the one that you pray for, maybe something much bigger. I know that right now you can’t see it thru your own tears, but you will. As I sit and read all the messages and notes people have left for you it blows my mind the number of people praying and looking for your miracle. And maybe that is part of the bigger picture that God has in store for you and your babies. Your ability to bring so many people back to their knees and praying to him daily is astounding and truly a miracle in itself. Please know that you and your family have touched my heart and are in my prays.

    • You are right…I do not know if his plan is the one we are praying for but I have to have faith!! I put that in my blog tonight about bringing people back to their knees… I say that to certain people that that is where they need to be. I believe God has a much bigger picture and I just can’t see it yet! Thank you for praying for my babies! Xoxo

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