Fear Not

“I’m sorry Mrs. Vivian but you should go home and put your feet up…you will probably miscarry this weekend”  Those were the words I heard the first time I saw Ella via ultrasound. Now obviously I had no idea she was Ella as she was so tiny I could barely see her but she was there. I went home with my friend who went with me thinking “I can’t do this again…God I am just not strong enough” I had a miscarriage after Eric and it was very hard emotionally for me. You see, they told me I had a subchorionic bleed all around my uterus and it was BAD. Well… I went home and put my feet up until a few days later when I went back to get another ultrasound. I remember the fear that I can still feel in me wondering if it got any better… it DID! Just a little but it was a bit better so we scheduled to come back a week later.

It was the longest week of my life…excitement and fear… and one that I wanted to share with the boys. I wanted to tell them they were going to have a sibling but not if I was going to lose the baby…One night I went to bed asking God if  he would give me a sign that everything would be ok. That night I had a dream… Hut & I were in the kitchen and there was a knock at the door…he answered it and said “it’s for you” I went to the door to see my Father in law (who had passed away in 2001) standing at the door. I was shocked to see him but I could tell he was there for a reason. He would not come in but he said” I just wanted to come and tell you that your baby is fine…and you are having a girl” I woke with a start and could not believe it… My baby would be fine AND it was a girl?!!!! This is amazing!

God has spoken to me through my dreams and given me knowledge since I was a little girl so this dream was not something to doubt…it was just what he said and I knew it to be true!

I had no real fear going into the next appointment as I knew everything was fine so I just started enjoying the pregnancy. It went quick and when Ella’s due date came she was nowhere ready to join the world. As I was induced with the boys I knew I wanted to try to go into labor with Ella on my own. I did! July 12th 2008… After 8 long hours of a rough labor and no drugs Ella made her way into the world at 1:03 pm. She was PERFECT!!!!! She looked just like Evan and was as calm as they come. As much as everyone thinks you must have one child of each to have the “perfect family” that is not true (at least it never was for me) I have to say though…Ella truly completed me as a woman.

Maybe having a tumultuous relationship with my own Mom made me feel this way…maybe I can make up for everything that went wrong in my life with her…I will give her stability, unconditional love… I will be the parent and let her be the child, I will protect her as much as I can and most of all I will let her go when it is time for her to have her own life. I wrote these things in a journal to myself to remind me of what I would NEVER DO to her! I have done this as of now and as long as I have her I swear I will follow through.

I have never asked “why me” but I do wonder what the purpose is… What I do know is that I feel God must think of me to be a pretty trustworthy person that he would give me not 1 but 2 children with this type of illness. I always knew he had something pretty amazing stored up for me. I NEVER thought this would be it but when I think about it, it is pretty amazing! He is allowing me to take care of Ella & Eli knowing that I will fight to my death to find the best scenario for them and selflessly not selfishly. Sometimes the best decision for them may not be the best decision for me… I mean of course we all want our kids here forever but for me this is about THEIR journey not mine and I will put my trust in God that he will show me where their journey shall take them.

As for Ella, since this is about her I can only say this… I never thought she was sick NEVER! Now that I know she is I will savor what time God has given me with her as any time is better that no time at all. All the things I wanted to provide throughout her life I will give her today & I will pray that by some miracle I will be sharing these thoughts and this love with her 30 years from now!

~ by Rebecca on November 1, 2012.

Posted in Diagnosed