Super senior – a mothers perspective
Living your life out loud, like I have been for the last 12 years has not always been easy. Filled with the good and bad, sharing more about our life than I ever imagined doing. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve is nothing new, so here you go.
This time of year, in this particular year is not easy. Our son will not be furthering his education, nor will he be going into the working class of people. He will not experience driving or packing up to go to college and he will never live without another adult. He will be headed back to Spring-Ford on Monday as a super senior, and he is not thrilled.
I’m not thrilled either. Of course I am grateful, but the gratitude comes with a host of other emotions as well. Watching his peers pack up and get settled into their new “homes” for the next four years is not easy. Although in true Eli fashion, he shared this morning that he is happy his buddies are going to college. He wishes he could go but he ended the conversation with “maybe someday.” I looked straight ahead as I was driving, and the tears silently streamed down my face. I will never say never!
Coming up on twelve years now of living with this monster MLD, and although that seems like a long time, to me it is a blink of an eye.
To me I still remember how smart he was, finished his math quickly, reading great at a young age, loved the girls and they loved him. He was good at all his sports that he liked to play and he had a personality that I knew would serve him well as he grew up!
Many people might not remember who he was before MLD but I will never forget. The dreams I had for him (just as I had for Eric and Evan) may have changed considerably, however they still hold a place in my heart, which I revisit once in a while. It does me no good, but it’s impossible to forget who he was before our life turned on a dime.
In my darkest moments, I cry out, wondering what the purpose is, why he can’t have a “typical” life, you know, the kind we all take for granted. I feel punished some days, clearly I must have done something wrong. I’m drowning in grief.
The logical side of me comes alive when it gets too deep or dark, reminding me that it’s just my inner critic (thanks Ash) lying to me. Wanting me to focus on all the bad things, and all the sorrow and sadness. But what if many of us have it wrong. Maybe I’m the lucky one, given a gift of raising these kids that know more about life then they could ever learn in school.
What if Eli and special kids like him, have been given the task of teaching people how to love, how to accept and to learn what’s really important during your dash. You know the dash… if you don’t, look it up, it’s a great poem.
I’m going to do what I do best, keep going, keep loving and keep learning from the best teachers out there… my kids!
Super senior year, here we come!
Fear Not 